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    Canonfire :: View topic - Silver Wolf Company
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    Silver Wolf Company
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    GreySage

    Joined: Oct 06, 2008
    Posts: 2781
    From: South-Central Pennsylvania

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    Fri Aug 05, 2011 2:08 pm  
    Silver Wolf Company

    Well, we have another story of the Silver Wolf for our enjoyment:

    http://www.canonfire.com/cf/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=1019&mode=&order=0&thold=0

    Another fine effort from our friend CruelSummerLord.

    There are only a couple of things I would point out -- since he's asked me before. Here are a couple of points. He wrote:

    ďAs good a place as any to start,Ē Luna nodded, sipping at her herbal tea. ďOr, perhaps we could inquire at the barracks. Itís the height of the raiding season, and from what I heard the bartender saying thereíve been more attacks from the Pomarj this year than any time in the last decade. The pay would probably be better too.Ē

    ďPossibly,Ē Luna reflected. ďThat said, from what Iíve heard many of the Ulekian dwarves donít think much of magic or the people that use it-even less so than most dwarves. Itís associated with the elvenfolk, as we probably would be. Would it really be so wise to stay?Ē


    It sounds as though Luna is talking to herself here, answering herself. A little re-write would straighten that out. Then there was this:

    "But thatís what weíve been hired to do, is it not? Maínonígo signed as Luna and Seline translated for him. And how do we know this creature, whatever it is, isnít also on our trail? "


    Are Seline and Luna speaking simultaneously? Perhaps this would "sound" better:

    "Ma'non'go signed and Seline translated: "Ma'non'go asks, 'But that's what we've been hired to do, is it not?' And how do we know this creature, whatever it is, isnít also on our trail?"



    You also wrote:

    "Lionís roars mixed with goatís bleats and dragonís shrieks as the chimeras struck, one coming from either side as they breathed fire down at the adventurers. Luna managed to block the flames with her shield, and Weimar rolled out of the way, but Seline and Maínonígo were not so lucky and were burned by the roaring flames. The two chimeras brayed in triumph before spiraling around and coming to ground level. They charged in from either side, breathing fire once again as the humans prepared to fight back."



    Plurality should be written so:

    "Lions' roars mixed with goats' bleats and dragons' shrieks."

    And all of this shouldn't be in the same paragraph. Points of View (pov) are always separated into different paragraphs, so:

    "Lionís roars mixed with goatís bleats and dragonís shrieks as the chimeras struck, one coming from either side as they breathed fire down at the adventurers.

    "Luna managed to block the flames with her shield, and Weimar rolled out of the way, but Seline and Maínonígo were not so lucky and were burned by the roaring flames.

    "The two chimeras brayed in triumph before spiraling around and coming to ground level. They charged in from either side, breathing fire once again as the humans prepared to fight back."


    Just some thoughts. It all falls under "Proof Reading." I read my stories so many times it's amazing that I ever post them -- I get so tired of them. Laughing Laughing

    All in all, great improvement. Looking forward to reading more, CSL.

    Keep it coming!

    Cool
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    Grandmaster Greytalker

    Joined: Jul 10, 2003
    Posts: 1234
    From: New Jersey

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    Sun Sep 04, 2011 6:25 pm  

    I thought CSL did a good job. I have enjoyed his work in the past as well look forward to his next submission.

    MS is always editing its in his nature, but it is a good nature to have.

    Argon
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