Canonfire!

Fri Sep 24, 2010 10:58 am Off-topic, but Important to Me

Hey all. My little brother, age 24, died Tuesday morning in my house of congenital heart failure. He had suffered for six years after being diagnosed with in-stage adrenal disease. It was very hard watching him suffer so badly, and he had even more trouble coping as he had been living the lifestyle of a bull-rider and outdoors man and all of the sudden he's susceptible to a whole slew of new problems.

There was real hope for a transplant and a normal life until last week when he had a heart attack. He had coded multiple times in the past in the hospital from pain killers stopping his heart, and his heart was in bad shape from it. He came home this last time just broken. There was a change in him, though, and I sensed it, so I spent the last few days with him having fun. It was never said that he was going to die soon, but he called our family to tell them he loved them all.

Monday night we went fishing, his favorite hobby by far, and he caught his last cat fish. We came home and he wanted to watch TV with me, but he was so tired and hurting I insisted he go take some painkillers and go to bed--he could barely keep standing. He gave me a hug and said he loved me, and I replied the same.

He went upstairs and went to sleep and never woke up.

I remember him as a baby 24 years ago.

I have the best final memories of him that I could ever hope for, and I am not sad because he is out of pain now. I will not be attending his memorial service or interment. I had spoken with him in the last weeks that I would prefer to remember him up and doing what he loved to do than laying prostrate in a box. He thought that was best.

We are burying his ashes in a hookah, as pot was his second favorite thing next to fishing.

I put together a memorial cd for the services. Here is the track listing, if anyone cares: ‎01 Metallica - Mama Said, 02 Gregg Allman - Brother to Brother, 03 Loretta Lynn - This Old Rugged Cross, 04 Brad Paisley w/ Dolly Parton - When I Get Where I'm Going, 05 Led Zeppelin - All My Love, 06 Rufus Wainright - Hallelujeh, 07 Simong & Garfunkle - Bridge Over Troubled Waters, 08 John Denver - Thank God I'm A Country Boy, 09 Lynyrd Skynyrd - Freebird (one of his favorites).

Here is the obituary: http://obits.dignitymemorial.com/dignity-memorial/obituary.aspx?n=Heath-Herbst&lc=4019&mid=4388061

Thank you all, I just needed to talk to someone/something.

Fri Sep 24, 2010 12:39 pm

Sorry for your loss. I too have lost friends and family in the past. Just remember the good times you had and they will live forever.

Fri Sep 24, 2010 2:40 pm

CP I am truely sorry to hear about your brother. What I am glad about was you had time to spend with him.

Life is too short for us all to constantly run round like headless chickens, smetimes you need to take stock of your life a start living again.

Fri Sep 24, 2010 3:14 pm

Deepest sympathies, CP. I and my family will be praying for you and yours.

Fri Sep 24, 2010 4:52 pm

He was a good-looking kid, Chaotic. Real heartfelt sorrow for your loss.

When I was 18, my father had another son with my step-mother. He's the closest I'll ever come to having a kid. I wouldn't want to dwell on the thought of losing him.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend. As you said, keep the good in mind always. That's definitely for the best.
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Fri Sep 24, 2010 5:47 pm

Today is his memorial service down home. I am here at home, and I can barely stop throwing up. I have never been so upset in my whole life. I just do not know what to do or how to feel.

I am not sure if sadness if the best way to describe how I feel. It is literally the opposite of being happy. There is just no humor in me. I am not crying or sobbing, just frowning as hard as I can and it will not stop. Everything looks gray and uninteresting. I keep thinking about him.

They are going to go ahead and bury his ashes in a tackle box. I put in http://www.darkswordminiatures.com/mainwebsite_html/gallery/GRRMline_5018_Wildling_Axe_Club.htm this miniatures, as the one time he played DnD I ran for him and he played with this miniature. I also put in my HS diploma so he could have one. He quit going to school during the 6th grade after missing so much over his health and succumbing to the allure of professional bullriding.

Guys, I am just too overcome by this. I have been perfectly composed since it happened, trying to help everyone else out, but today I am just shaking apart. I am trying to keep distracted, but its not working. I wish I had friends, but they all bailed on me a few weeks ago after a bad gaming session where I pretty much said if all they want to play is Pathfinder, they go play somewhere else.

I just miss him so very much, but I am glad he's at peace.

I apologize for going on, but as I said, I do not really have anyone else right now.

Fri Sep 24, 2010 6:12 pm

Feeling lost. Because you just suffered a terrible loss. Confused and feeling helpless. All I can say is this:

Jesus felt that way about his friend Lazarus . . . and Jesus knew that he was about to resurrect his friend.

So your feelings and current state of mind are to be expected. You've lost a part of yourself and don't know what to do about it. No one ever does. We can only carry on and keep them alive in our memory. Remember the good times and he will continue to live in your heart.

There's more I would say, but not in this format. Check your PM for my e-mail address. If you want to talk it out.

I feel for you my friend. And I'm here. Keep talking. I'm listening.
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Fri Sep 24, 2010 6:53 pm

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother, CP. He sounds like a wonderful guy, and an amazing brother. I just found out yesterday that a friend had passed away. He wasn't a brother, but these things still hit you. I can only imagine how you must feel, though. It sounds like you had an awesome relationship. Remember what he was and celebrate how he lived his life. Try not to let the sadness overwhelm you, and remind yourself that he is no longer suffering. He lives on in your mind for the rest of your days, his memory lighting your way. My deepest condolences. And know that you do have friends, albeit long distance ones, who care.

Fri Sep 24, 2010 7:35 pm

All -
Wes, I am a guy. I never tear up. The idea that he went fishing that night and gave you a hug before bed brings tears to my eyes even now as I write a response - 45min after first reading your post. I appreciate your post and the time needed for it. Thank you.
Your Friend,
Issak
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Theocrat Issak

Fri Sep 24, 2010 8:02 pm

Hey Chaoticprime,

Sorry for your loss. It always hurts when you lose someone. I remember when my Mother died she was only forty years old at the time. She was told at the age of 38 that if she continued smoking she would be dead in two years. I was the only person she told and she asked me to keep it from the rest of the family she did not want to worry anyone else but she needed to tell someone. I promised her it was our secret but she needed to quit smoking.

She did make an attempt but she was addicted to cigarettes. I found her on several occasions smoking while wearing a patch. I threatened to leave and told her if I saw her with one more cigarette I would not attend her funeral.

When she died I did the same thing you did. I tried to keep everyone else from falling apart. I made myself seem like I was fine they could lean on me. Meanwhile I was falling apart on the inside.

I had many mixed emotions. I was mad at my mother for being weak and not quitting. I was mad at all my family members for never realizing what was wrong with her, for not sharing my burden with her secret, for relying on me to be the person they could lean on. I had to keep everyone together. My father who never did a drug in his life started using my sisters drank heavily and me I had to keep everyone together. Yeah it made me sick.

Why was I left to handle everyone's issues. Well I realized my mother chose me. I spoke to the physician who diagnosed my mother. Truth be told he told her at best she had two years left. My mother didn't want her last days on this earth to be about her dieing. She wanted it to be about all of us living. Six months went bye before I was able to mourn her loss, I got it out and I needed it bad. Then I was able to start rebuilding my life and yes help my family. I told them her secret for once everyone stopped feeling sorry for themselves and instead starting truly mourning our loss.

We all pulled through. You will too. Your brother spent his last days the way he wanted too. With you one last time. Remember him the way you want. I know how it feels to have a hole in your heart. But you can fill it back up remembering the good times and knowing his suffering is gone. I remember my mother every day and I'm glad she no longer suffers.

You have friends call them up. I'm sure they will understand, Also and I'm sure I speak for everyone who has posted here, you are amongst friends.

Fri Sep 24, 2010 9:38 pm

Thank you everybody for your support. I hope that I will get used to his being gone. I just want him back so bad, and I keep having this realization that he's gone.

This is hard stuff to deal with.

Sat Sep 25, 2010 12:47 am

It is surely a tough thing to lose somebody close to you. My condolences to you and your family.
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Sat Sep 25, 2010 4:58 am

My condolences. Always remember that the more we love and enjoy another person in life, the more we miss them in death, the more it hurts. However, the pain will pass; it will pass though it never seems that way. And once it passes we are left with the joy the person brought to our lives.

I hope you find comfort in this time, and remember the joy of your brother soon.

Sat Sep 25, 2010 4:07 pm

My condolences for your loss. I know it must seem small comfort now but as someone who has lost a loved one - let me assure you that life does go on and the grief does ease. Therefore cherish the memories of the precious time you had together.

Sat Sep 25, 2010 6:23 pm

My sympathies too, Chaoticprime. Hang in there, mate.

Sat Sep 25, 2010 7:37 pm

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. My condolences to you and your family and my prayers as well. You got to spend time with him at the end and that's something that's very precious. The last day I spent with my father is a painful but comforting memory. Again my prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.

Mon Sep 27, 2010 7:18 am

Sorry for your loss.

Mon Sep 27, 2010 6:37 pm

So sorry. Hope you find comfort in family and friends.
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Mon Sep 27, 2010 9:17 pm

Wes---

I'm very sorry to hear that Heath finally passed away. If there's anything I can do, please let me know :(
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Allan Grohe<br />https://www.greyhawkonline.com/grodog/greyhawk.html<br />https://grodog.blogspot.com/

Tue Sep 28, 2010 9:56 am

Deepest sympathies for your loss.