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    Canonfire :: View topic - Absurd Sub-Tables
    Canonfire Forum Index -> Greyhawk- Heresy!
    Absurd Sub-Tables
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    Master Greytalker

    Joined: Jun 29, 2001
    Posts: 729
    From: Bronx, NY

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    Tue Sep 05, 2023 9:29 am  
    Absurd Sub-Tables

    These came from random comments and my general madness on the Discord.
    The first of them is based on the presentation in "Den of Thieves", where the oldest profession was bowlderized as "dancing girls", who might earn more if they knew "exotic dances".
    The other two came from recent comments provoking me to adapt it for other, even more dubious purposes.
    These have no redeeming qualities and are suitable only for excessive absurdity.

    The Wandering Dancer subtable for city encounters. (this is Norker's fault)

    Dancer encounters can be with brazen boppers or haughty divas, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with a worker only entertaining herself as it pleases her, an elderly choreographer, or even an agent.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the dancer is 30% likely to know valuable information, 15% likely to make something up in order to gain a reward, and 20% likely to be, or work with, a thief. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of dancer encounter takes place:

    01-10 Slovenly go-go
    11-25 Brazen bopper
    26-35 Cheap chorine
    36-50 Typical tapdancer
    51-65 Saucy showgirl
    66-75 Wanton waltzer
    76-85 Expensive ballerina
    86-90 Haughty diva
    91-92 Aged choreographer
    93-94 Wealthy casting director
    95-98 Sly agent
    99-00 Rich producer

    An expensive ballerina will resemble a gentlewoman, a haughty diva a noblewoman, the other dancers might be mistaken for goodwives, and so forth.

    Wandering Furry Subtable for Furry Road (because of Oblivion Seeker)

    Furry encounters can be with brazen bullywugs or haughty horsie, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with an olve only entertaining itself as it pleases her, an elderly cosplayer, or even a costumer.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the furry is 30% likely to know valuable information, 15% likely to make something up in order to gain a reward, and 20% likely to be, or work with, a thief. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of dancer encounter takes place:

    01-10 Slovenly simian
    11-25 Brazen bullywug
    26-35 Cheap catgirl
    36-50 Typical tortle
    51-65 Saucy serpent
    66-75 Wanton wolf
    76-85 Expensive ex-normie
    86-90 Haughty horsie
    91-92 Aged cosplayer
    93-94 Wealthy illustrator
    95-98 Sly costumer
    99-00 Rich convention promoter

    An expensive ex-normie will resemble a gentlewoman, a haughty horsie a noblewoman, the other furries might be mistaken for goodwives, and so forth.

    Wandering Puritan subtable to clean up the city and Furry Road (for Seguilia)

    Puritan encounters can be with brazen monk or haughty hierarchs, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with a worker only entertaining himself as is pleases him, an aged illuminator, or even a pardoner.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the puritan is 30% likely to know scripture, 15% likely to make something up in order to gain a reward, and 20% likely to be, or work with, a paladin. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of puritan encounter takes place:

    01-10 Slovenly simoniac
    11-25 Brazen monk
    26-35 Cheap curate
    36-50 Typical evangelist
    51-65 Saucy cellarer or Smug Pholtine
    66-75 Wanton almoner or Deaf Cuthberran
    76-85 Expensive patriarch or Insolent Inquisitor
    86-90 Haughty hierarch
    91-92 Aged illuminator
    93-94 Wealthy theocrat
    95-98 Sly pardoner
    99-00 Rich prelate

    An expensive patriarch will resemble a gentleman, a haughty hierarch a nobleman, the other puritans might be mistaken for goodmen, and so forth.
    Master Greytalker

    Joined: Jun 29, 2001
    Posts: 729
    From: Bronx, NY

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    Mon Sep 25, 2023 2:27 pm  

    Another one inspired by a random comment during a discussion on the Discord.
    h/t to Woesinger for the end paragraph and the entries derived from it.

    Castle encounters can be with brazen outposts or haughty donjons, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with an inn only providing entertainment as it pleases itself, an elderly ruin, or even an engineer.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the castle is 30% likely to posses valuable loot, 15% likely to offer a reward for mercenaries, and 20% likely to be, or work with, a thieves' guild. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of castle encounter takes place:

    01-10 Slovenly waystation
    11-25 Brazen outpost
    26-35 Cheap motte-and-bailey
    36-50 Typical toll station
    51-65 Saucy shell keep
    66-75 Wanton estate
    76-85 Expensive manor
    86-90 Haughty donjon
    91-92 Aged ruin
    93-94 Wealthy merchant's house
    95-98 Sly sub-contractor
    99-00 Rich engineer

    An expensive keep will resemble a manor, a haughty donjon, a palace, the other forts might be mistaken for barns, and so forth.
    GreySage

    Joined: Jul 26, 2010
    Posts: 2707
    From: LG Dyvers

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    Mon Sep 25, 2023 7:42 pm  

    Oh, my gosh! This is awesome! Laughing

    SirXaris
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    Master Greytalker

    Joined: Jun 29, 2001
    Posts: 729
    From: Bronx, NY

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    Wed Dec 20, 2023 6:16 pm  

    This one is Woesinger's fault.

    Random Invasion Table

    Invastion forces can be with brazen hordes or haughty conqueror, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish what counter measures to take. (In fact, the encounter could be with a adventuring party only rampaging as it pleases them, an elderly usurper or even a weapon salesman.) In addition to the usual pillaging and burning, the invaders are 30% likely to know valuable information about how to take out their mastermind, 15% likely to make something up in order to gain a reward, and 20% likely to be, or work with, an assassin who will gack the PCs away from the battlefield. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of bar wench encounter takes place:

    01-10 Slovenly humanoids
    11-25 Brazen horde
    26-35 Cheap mercenaries
    36-50 Typical barbarians
    51-65 Saucy invaders
    66-75 Wanton vandals
    76-85 Expensive sellswords
    86-90 Haughty conquerors
    91-92 Aged usurper
    93-94 Wealthy hoarders
    95-98 Sly weapon smuggler
    99-00 Rich murderhobos

    An expensive sellsword will resemble a man-at-arms, a haughty conqueror a nobleman, the other invaders might be mistaken for constables, and so forth.
    Master Greytalker

    Joined: Jun 29, 2001
    Posts: 729
    From: Bronx, NY

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    Wed Dec 20, 2023 6:17 pm  

    Requested by Curtis.

    Wandering Spy Table

    Spy encounters can be with brazen information brokers or haughty hit men, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with a adventurer only eavesdropping as it pleases her, an elderly spymaster, or even a fixer.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the spy is 30% likely to know valuable information, 15% likely to make something up in order to gain a reward, and 20% likely to be, or work with, a counter-spy. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of spy encounter takes place:

    01-10 Slovenly secret agent
    11-25 Brazen information broker
    26-35 Cheap eavesdropper
    36-50 Typical agent
    51-65 Saucy source
    66-75 Wanton honeypot
    76-85 Expensive evidence gatherer
    86-90 Haughty hit man
    91-92 Aged wine spymaster
    93-94 Wealthy money man
    95-98 Sly subverter
    99-00 Rich gadget maker

    An expensive evidence gatherer will resemble a constable, a haughty hit man a murderhobo, the other servers might be mistaken for goodwives, and so forth.
    Master Greytalker

    Joined: Jun 29, 2001
    Posts: 729
    From: Bronx, NY

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    Wed Dec 20, 2023 6:18 pm  

    Again for Curtis.

    Perambulating Plague Table

    Disease encounters can be with a brazen boil bearer or a haughty herpes shower thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with a adventurer only being uncured of disease as it pleases him, an elderly survivor, or even a plague doctor.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the sufferer is 30% likely to know valuable information about the cure, 15% likely to make something up in order to gain a reward, and 20% likely to be, or work with, a thief selling quack cures. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of plague encounter takes place:

    01-10 Slovenly STD spreader
    11-25 Brazen boil bearer
    26-35 Cheap cholera carrier
    36-50 Typical cold sneezer
    51-65 Saucy smallpox spreader
    66-75 Wanton whooping cougher
    76-85 Expensive ebola emitter
    86-90 Haughty herpes shower
    91-92 Aged survivor
    93-94 Wealthy plague doctor
    95-98 Sly snake oil salesman
    99-00 Rich homeopathic herbalist

    An expensive ebola emitter will resemble a gentleghoul, a haughty herpes shower a noblewoman, the other servers might be mistaken for scrofulant beggars, and so forth.
    Master Greytalker

    Joined: Jun 29, 2001
    Posts: 729
    From: Bronx, NY

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    Wed Dec 20, 2023 6:21 pm  

    A special pair for Curtis.

    Wandering White Claw Table

    Strange women distributing alcoholic beverage encounters can be with brazen stoli seller or haughty hard cider hustler, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with a adventurer only drinking as it pleases her, an elderly distiller, or even a bootlegger.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the alcohol bearer is 30% likely to know valuable information about the good stuff, 15% likely to make something up in order to gain a reward, and 20% likely to be, or work with, a thief. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of bar wench encounter takes place:

    01-10 Slovenly ripple regurgitator
    11-25 Brazen stoli seller
    26-35 Cheap ale hustler
    36-50 Typical white claw waiter
    51-65 Saucy sake swiller
    66-75 Wanton white claw wastrel
    76-85 Expensive whiskey wholesaler
    86-90 Haughty hard cider hustler
    91-92 Aged wine drinker
    93-94 Wealthy absinthe addict
    95-98 Sly bootlegger
    99-00 Rich amontillado stockpiler

    An expensive whiskey wholesaler will resemble a gentlewoman, a haughty hard cider hustler a noblewoman, the other servers might be mistaken for goodwives, and so forth.

    The White Claw Miscibility Table

    Dice Score Result
    01 LIVER DAMAGE! Internal damage is 6-60 h.p., those within a 5 radius take 1-10 h.p. if mixed externally, all in a 10 radius take 4-24 hit points, no save.
    02-03 Lethal alcohol intoxication results, and imbiber is dead; if externally mixed, an intoxicating gas cloud of 10 diameter results, and all within it must save versus poison or do embarrassing things for 2-8 hours then pass out for
    4-16 hours and lost all memory of the events.

    04-08 Mild alcohol intoxication which causes nausea and loss of 1 point each of strength and dexterity for 5-20 rounds, no saving throw possible; one White Claw is cancelled, the other is at half proof and duration. (Use random determination for which is cancelled and which is at half proof.)

    09-15 Immiscible. Both White Claws totally destroyed, as one cancelled the other.

    16-25 Immiscible. One White Claw cancelled, but the other remains normal (random selection).

    26-35 Immiscible result which causes both White Claws to be at half normal proof when consumed.

    36-90 Miscible. White Claws work normally unless their flavors are contradictory, e.g. lemon and lime, which will simply cancel each other.

    91-99 Compatible result which causes one White Claw (randomly
    determined) to have 150% normal proof.

    00 DISCOVERY! The admixture of the two White Claws has caused a special formula which will cause one of the two White Claws only to function, but its effects will be permanent upon the imbiber. (Note that means you are permanently verschnickered.)
    Master Greytalker

    Joined: Jun 29, 2001
    Posts: 729
    From: Bronx, NY

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    Wed Dec 20, 2023 6:23 pm  

    For everyone who signs up with random DMs at conventions.

    Wandering DM Table

    DM encounters can be with a brazen min-maxer or a haughty rules lawyer, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with a player only entertaining himself as is pleases him, an aged grognard, or even a playtester.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the DM is 30% likely to know Word of EGG, 15% likely to house rule in order to screw you over, and 20% likely to be, or work with, the Dice Police. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of DM encounter takes place:

    01-10 Slovenly basement dweller
    11-25 Brazen min-maxer
    26-35 Cheap threeper
    36-50 Typical DMs Guilder
    51-65 Saucy homebrewer
    66-75 Wanton rules weasel
    76-85 Expensive streamer
    86-90 Haughty rules lawyer
    91-92 Aged grognard
    93-94 Wealthy reseller
    95-98 Sly playtester
    99-00 Rich non-gamer

    An expensive streamer will resemble a gentleman, a haughty rules lawyer a nobleman, the other DMs might be mistaken for regular players, and so forth.
    Master Greytalker

    Joined: Jun 29, 2001
    Posts: 729
    From: Bronx, NY

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    Wed Dec 20, 2023 6:49 pm  

    A brand new one requested by Gary Holian.

    Gary requested this

    Wandering Greyhawker Table

    Greyhawk encounters can be with a brazen OSRers or haughty grognards, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with a Realmser only entertaining himself as is pleases him, an aged writer, or even an artist.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the DM is 30% likely to know more than you, 15% likely to insist he knows more than you even when he does not, and 20% likely to be, or work with, an ezine distributor. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of Greyhawker encounter takes place:

    01-10 Slovenly soda machine user
    11-25 Brazen OSRer
    26-35 Cheap edition warrior
    36-50 Typical gamer
    51-65 Saucy heretic
    66-75 Wanton setting flamer
    76-85 Expensive artist
    86-90 Haughty grognard
    91-92 Aged author
    93-94 Wealthy media personality who also happens to be a gamer
    95-98 Sly Realmser
    99-00 Rich in spirit long time player

    An expensive artist will resemble an ordinary person sitting in an art gallery, a haughty grognard a total jerk, the other Greyhawkers might be mistaken for regular players, but probably not.
    Master Greytalker

    Joined: Jun 29, 2001
    Posts: 729
    From: Bronx, NY

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    Wed Dec 20, 2023 7:06 pm  

    A variant of the above for Gary.

    Random Greyhawk Campaign Table

    Greyhawk campaigns can be with a brazen homebrewers or haughty Gygaxian purists, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each campaign for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with a Mystara trying to take back the Isle of Dread, an aged GreyTalker, or even a total newb who wants to know why he cannot play an orog who worships the Raven Queen.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the campaign is 30% likely to kill you outright, 15% likely to kill you a bit later, and 20% likely to be, or work with, a co-DM who will kill you. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of Greyhawk campaign you are trapped in:

    01-10 Slovenly LG module arc
    11-25 Brazen homebrew
    26-35 Cheap name dropping with no actual background content
    36-50 Typical FTA game
    51-65 Saucy WG7 campaign
    66-75 Wanton beyond the Flanaess campaign
    76-85 Expensive original dungeon excerpts bought at auction
    86-90 Haughty Gygaxian purist
    91-92 Aged folio based campaign
    93-94 Wealthy casual gamer game
    95-98 Sly cross-setting campaign
    99-00 Rich backstory writers who are not heretics but the only truly creative people left developing the setting

    An expensive original dungeon excerpts bought at auction will resemble barely legible faded notes that are bragged about more than actually used, a haughty Gygaxian purist a complete jerk who lives in an echo chamber, the other Greyhawkers might be mistaken for regular players until you pay attention to the weird names they use that are definitely not in the core rules.[/i]
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