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    Canonfire :: View topic - The Misadventures of Ragr and Eileen
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    The Misadventures of Ragr and Eileen [ Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next]
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    Master Greytalker

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    Mon May 26, 2008 11:12 pm  

    Smillan_31 said:
    Quote:
    "So, unless our esteemed Halfling colleague has any objections I'll proceed to make arrangements with my sailor acquaintances. I should be able to get us passage and room in the hold for our mounts for a decent price, especially if the Prophetess is going to be taking the sun on deck in her chainmail bikini. It'll take about 5 days to make Fishtown with stops at Peculiar Manor and Hardby along the way. How's that sound?"


    Ah, no need to worry about Ragr, surely he is plotting the best way through the dungeon at this very moment. Why he probably bought one of those maps which leads directly to the treasure and labels every encounter in each chamber. I do hope we don't find any 10'x10' rooms with like 13 dragons or 100 orcs, or anything like that inside. I find it very disturbing when dungeon builders don't think on the practical side of things. I mean really, can you imagine how bad these monsters would smell being cramped up like that. Sad Either that or he is buying me a really expensive gift to give me on the trip. I bet he feels really bad about dragging me into court like he did. You know last time he bought me something he gave me the entire village of Elmshire. I'm sure whatever it is, it will be totally awesome!!!!!!!!!!! So he will be with us real soon.

    I do have some concerns though.....

    Quote:
    That'd be the Union of Butchers. No, not the Guild of Butchers, them what's associated with the Guild of Bakers and Cooks. We're closer with the Guild of Embalmers and Gravediggers.


    Perhaps you would be kind enough to tell me about this Union of Butchers you speak of. I certainly hope that this oganization you belong to is a lawfully binding group of gentleman. I mean you got to admit, they do sound like a bit of a rough crowd. We are on a quest for the Free City of Greyhawk, we are the greatest representatives they have and must maintain a positive public image.

    Quote:
    Oh the Filthy Who..., er I mean the Queen Catherine is a fine boat crewed by the best bunch of Rhenee bargemen you ever laid eyes on. Sober and clean as a congregation of Cuthbertines.


    Now I don't know very many Rhennee, as a don't associate with the riff raff of Greyhawk, so I truly hope you can vouch for these sailors. After all, the last Rhennee I knew was Jack and thanks to Ragr's quick thinking and Brian Grubbyaffairs torpedo shaped like body, he was stopped before committing another heinous crime. You go ahead and load the boat with the necessary supplies, but don't forget to take my few simple belongings.... my caravan of 20 wagons and carts, 52 beasts of burden, 86 turkeys, 97 guardsmen, 12 pink and purple umbrellas. I'm sure there is plenty of room on this wonderous luxury ship you call the Queen Catherine.

    Quote:
    No, no. Not a cleric as such. More like I'd be in charge of "redistributing their worldly goods" so to speak, seeing as how they won't be needing them anymore. Though I do know some interesting "prayers", most of them in limerick form. I don't hold to one particular god myself. I'm more of a free agent, though I've been known to pray to almost all of the gods at one point or other when in a tight fix.


    This my new friend greatly disturbs me. You see, I can accept the fact that your not a cleric, understandable as you have not heard the calling of a particular Greyhawk God. However, the idea of being a free agent in matters of piety is inexcusable. I have been travelling for the past two years, speaking out against this sort of behavior. Now I am telling you, if people continue this sort of wishy washy worship of the Gods they are really going to get upset with us. I would really hate for them to change our vacation plans because you have been naughty.

    So you know limericks do you, excellent, that is exactly what this vacation needs is a good Bard. It will surely be better than all of those lame sailor songs they are going to want to sing.

    Quote:
    Well, you don't worry your head about that. Hate to see any furrows in that fine noble brow, or that shiny little mace of yours getting dinged up any. You just let me and the lads take care of any trouble and heal us up between "terrible events."


    Now I appreciate the cavalier attitude and I accept your willingness to sacrifice your life for mine as well as giving me ample time in the mirror while you boys face the horrible dangers of the dungeon. But there is one thing that concerns me, and that is the portrayal of clerics. Now this is no longer 1st edition where clerics are just good for healing. I live in a world of 3.5, we have domains and granted powers as well. Sigh, it is time to put the old ways to rest. Just because I have access to healing doesn't mean that is all I am good for. I will have you know that I worship the Goddess of Fate, Destiny, Divination, Future, and Honesty, not the goddess of healing.

    Rarely have I ever seen an injury worthy of my healing. In fact, there was this knight once, he got in a bit of a scuffle with his king, and well to say the least the knight barely had a scratch on him, yet he still expected me to wait on him hand and foot and heal his little boo boo.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wcb90h1eG2I
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    Eileen of Greyhawk, Prophet of Istus, Messenger of the Gods
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    Sat May 31, 2008 1:13 pm  

    Quote:
    Rarely have I ever seen an injury worthy of my healing. In fact, there was this knight once, he got in a bit of a scuffle with his king, and well to say the least the knight barely had a scratch on him, yet he still expected me to wait on him hand and foot and heal his little boo boo.

    Hmm, I think before we set sail, or oar, that I'll buy some potions of healing. Uh, better make that extra-healing (2E flavor). And some Keoghtom Brand ointment. No telling what filth those Rhen...I mean that dungeon will have in it.


    Last edited by mortellan on Sat May 31, 2008 8:34 pm; edited 1 time in total
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    Sat May 31, 2008 2:07 pm  

    Mortellan Said:
    Quote:
    Hmm, I think before we set sail, or oar, that I'll buy some potions of healing. Uh, better make that extra-healing (2E flavor). And some Keoghtom Brand ointment. No telling what filth those Rhen...I mean that dungeon will have in it.


    Better run Mort, ship leaves in 45 minutes. While your at it pick me up some more suntan lotion and a game of Greyhawk Monopoly in case we get bored along the way.

    Ok, Mort will be back in a few minutes, is there anyone else missing or do we have everybody now. This vacation is going to be great. I so deserve it, and look at the great company I have as well.
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    Sat May 31, 2008 8:34 pm  

    As you exit the city proper through the Cargo Gate and see the wharves spread out before you along the broad muddy Selintan River, a brightly painted caravel, mighty and sea-going catches your eye...

    Unfortunately you see Smillan waving at you from a ratty looking cog further down the docks. Well, it would qualify as a cog if both the stern and aft castles weren't missing. Still, it looks sea-, or at least coast-worthy enough to get you to Fishtown.

    "Welcome to the Queen Catherine!" Smillan exclaims.

    "The whu... ooof!" says the grizzled, bearded Rhenee man who stands beside him as Smillan slams an elbow into his ribs.

    "That's right, the Queen Catherine, and this is her captain and master, Zogan Toptalli."

    After a long pause, Smillan clears his throat loudly and the Rhenee captain hesitantly bows. The crew, mainly Rhenee but overall a mix of men drawn from every nation and ethnic group you are familiar with, grin until Zogan turns about and curses them in numerous creative ways. They quickly set to work raising the spar on the single mast, singing a bawdy sea shanty as they haul the rope.

    Smillan addresses himself to Eileen, "Unfortunately, your ladyship, your full complement could not be accommodated so we are only able to take on two of your guardsmen, a pair of maids, two donkeys to carry supplies, fifteen turkeys, and mounts for all of us. The good news is we were able to fit all twelve pink and purple umbrellas."

    He turns to the entire group. "Everything has been loaded. Now lets all get aboard so Captain Zogan can get the boat... er, ship underway. First round of Old Peculiar at Peculiar Mansion tonight is on me!"

    The crew cheers and lays to their hauling with gusto!
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    Sun Jun 01, 2008 8:11 am  

    Meanwhile...mortellan buys supplies for him and Eileen, he also throws in a mana potion incase a MMORPG breaks out later on. Then he pays up and heads back to the harbor. CHA-CHING!

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    Sun Jun 01, 2008 9:03 am  

    Smillan looks skeptically at the Olidammara healing "potion."

    "I don't know Mort. I've heard this stuff is all just booze and wyvern oil. It is made by priests of the Laughing Rogue after all. You didn't get a 'really good deal on it did you? Now the Tysiln San-Tan lotion, that stuff can keep you from getting burned by a fireball, although I'm partial to Olde Kurtalmak myself. Sure, it smells bad but it also keeps the bugs off."
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    Sun Jun 01, 2008 9:53 am  

    smillan_31
    Quote:
    As you exit the city proper through the Cargo Gate and see the wharves spread out before you along the broad muddy Selintan River, a brightly painted caravel, mighty and sea-going catches your eye...


    Ah there it is, the Queen Catherine, what a magnifencent ship. Notice the bright sales, the incredible craftsmanship, the individuality, even the name speaks of its regal nature. Why it is so big and gorgeous that anyone writing a thread about elf ship design would be jealous. Yes, clearly humans are the masters of the sea.

    Quote:
    Unfortunately you see Smillan waving at you from a ratty looking cog further down the docks. Well, it would qualify as a cog if both the stern and aft castles weren't missing. Still, it looks sea-, or at least coast-worthy enough to get you to Fishtown.


    "Ragr, why is Smillan way down there, on that "THING"? Why is he not on the Queen Catherine?"

    Peering a little bit closer, the name of the majestic ship comes into view, "NOT YOUR SHIP!"

    Quote:
    Welcome to the Queen Catherine!" Smillan exclaims. "That's right, the Queen Catherine, and this is her captain and master, Zogan Toptalli."


    Smillan, get down from there before you hurt yourself. I'm mean honestly, those floor boards have to be rotted, the mast is leaning over, someone wrote "The Captain suck's ogre dung, all over the side", and from the looks of those grisely men behind you, well I'd say they are looking very lonely and eyeing you for desert. This is a serious quest the Great Ragr has undertaken and he cannot be seen boarding a vessel made of left over 1st edition parts. Now quite playing around and show us the real thing!

    Quote:
    After a long pause, Smillan clears his throat loudly and the Rhenee captain hesitantly bows. The crew, mainly Rhenee but overall a mix of men drawn from every nation and ethnic group you are familiar with, grin until Zogan turns about and curses them in numerous creative ways. They quickly set to work raising the spar on the single mast, singing a bawdy sea shanty as they haul the rope.


    I thought you promised no sailor songs and the captain, well he swears....like a sailor! Eileen cover's her hears and repeats over and over...

    "This isn't happening to me! This isn't happening to me! This isn't happening to me! This isn't happening to me!"

    Quote:
    Smillan addresses himself to Eileen, "Unfortunately, your ladyship, your full complement could not be accommodated so we are only able to take on two of your guardsmen, a pair of maids, two donkeys to carry supplies, fifteen turkeys, and mounts for all of us. The good news is we were able to fit all twelve pink and purple umbrellas."


    Your telling me you couldn't even fit my modest travel accomidations on this wreck of a piece of drift wood? Two gaurdsmen......now how am I suppose to get by with that? There are at least 8 points to the compass. I need one for each direction. As for a pair of maids, I noticed you couldn't even give me the the best two. The one to your left burns the food, the one to your right eats it. Well at least you got the pink and purple umbrellas. They are after all, the most important part of my supplies.

    Quote:
    He turns to the entire group. "Everything has been loaded. Now lets all get aboard so Captain Zogan can get the boat... er, ship underway. First round of Old Peculiar at Peculiar Mansion tonight is on me!"
    The crew cheers and lays to their hauling with gusto


    Eileen slowly walks up the plank, turns her head around, looks back on the Free City of Greyhawk one last time. As she reaches the top of the plank and is about to actually step on to the dock, she pulls out a white lacy ladies handkerchief, blows the dust of the side rail, wipes off the dirt that remains, frowns her nose, drops hands the black handkerchief to maid #1.

    "Captain Morgan, I'm sorry, Captian Zogan.....my apologize! Exactly what are your sailing credentials? I would like the identification numbers of your craft turned into the City of Greyhawk before we leave sir, you know in case we....never come back!"

    Allright Smillan, we need to set those umbrellas up now, I can see the sun is starting to get warm. Now I would like one placed here....another over here.....and yes, I may occasionally turn over, so I will need the third one on this side. No, a little bit to the left, now down a bit. Ok, hold it right there!

    Reaching into her belt of many pouches, she pulls out a piece of paper with a drawing on it.

    http://www.staaripood.ee/images/FP1667.jpg

    She glances at the captain......this is going to be a long trip!
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    Mon Jun 02, 2008 5:58 am  

    Quote:
    Smillan looks skeptically at the Olidammara healing "potion."

    "I don't know Mort. I've heard this stuff is all just booze and wyvern oil. It is made by priests of the Laughing Rogue after all. You didn't get a 'really good deal on it did you? Now the Tysiln San-Tan lotion, that stuff can keep you from getting burned by a fireball, although I'm partial to Olde Kurtalmak myself. Sure, it smells bad but it also keeps the bugs off."

    Well I figured, they say (in 4E its rumored) that hit point damage is not always in terms of physical damage, it can be loss of morale or mental stress or whatnot, so this Olidammara potion covers all my hit point loss sources.

    Tosses Eileen her lotion. Straight from the Valley, you can't ask for better. Oh yes, Maldin's shop was out of Greyhawk Monopoly. Looks like its dicing with the crew on this trip.

    Walks by a Bakluni sailor with one hand, gives him a business card. Walks to the captain and shakes his hand. "Well met Zogan. How have you been? Is the wife and you still together? Have you decided on penning that last will yet?"
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    Mon Jun 02, 2008 9:47 am  

    Quote:
    Tosses Eileen her lotion. Straight from the Valley, you can't ask for better.


    Ahem.... Mad What, you expect it to get put on by itself?

    Quote:
    Oh yes, Maldin's shop was out of Greyhawk Monopoly. Looks like its dicing with the crew on this trip.


    Oh, no, you didn't buy that dice game..., you know the one with the scrolls for rules, what is it called.....Spacerays and Spacebots, Lords and Lizards, Hells and Heathens, oh, whatever it is called. Don't you know that stuff will corrupt you? Sigh, no wonder this party is in need of a spiritual healer.

    So Captain, what kind of weather are we going to have during this journey? Pleasant I hope!

    Arrrgh, Lassie, let me see how the winds favor us.....

    http://wf.suurpeikko.net/

    Looks like all is fair. We should arrive at Peculiar Mansion tonight just in time for a late night grub.

    Excellent then, Eileen scibbles a note and hands it to the Captain.

    Send one of your pigeons with this note immediantly. It is very important that it arrive precisely 4 hours and 12 minutes before we get there. Mort do you and Smillan want to order anything for dinner tonight, I can add it to my request?

    ----------------------------------------------------------
    And so the first day all was well. The wind was brisk, the ship sturdy, the crew merry, the sun shone. Eventually the day came to an end, for the sun withdrew..........and gay music from Peculiar Manor could be heard.
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    Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:50 am  

    Errr.....By "gay music" you don't mean "I will survive" do you? Or YMCA.

    I apologise for my studied silence throughout this estimable voyage but, despite what those 4e scabbers might assert, Halflings and ships do not go together. In fact, they go together like mushrooms and "Old Peculiar". Alone, a taste sensation. Together, a crime against Hobnizmanity. Speaking of Old Peculiar, who's getting the first round in? I appear to have left my purse at home. Oh, and some pork scratchings. Cheers.

    Oh crapola! The cat! The cat! Eileen, tell me you made arrangements for the cat.
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    Sun Jun 08, 2008 4:27 am  

    Ragr said:
    Quote:
    Errr.....By "gay music" you don't mean "I will survive" do you? Or YMCA. I apologise for my studied silence throughout this estimable voyage but, despite what those 4e scabbers might assert, Halflings and ships do not go together. In fact, they go together like mushrooms and "Old Peculiar". Alone, a taste sensation. Together, a crime against Hobnizmanity.


    Why whatever do you mean? Of coarse you will survive, now are you talking about the dungeon or are you talking about the food at Peculiar Manor? I certainly hope your not talking about the dungeon, it is important for morale that our leader remain most brave and sturdy. You cannot afford to show any weakness Ragr. Despite the gay music to be heard at Peculiar Manor, the men already are showing signs of nervousness. I think it would be a good idea if you were to boost their morale by giving a speech of bravado.

    As for the food at Peculiar Manor, fear not, I personally have eaten there a few times and I must say they make an excellent roasted duck, of which we shall have one waiting for us. I have already sent our reservations and order ahead. Now this YMCA you speak of, what is that? Some sort of mysterious language you speak or Can't Speak, perhaps from the days of 1st edition? Or does it perhaps stand for something else?

    Quote:
    Speaking of Old Peculiar, who's getting the first round in? I appear to have left my purse at home. Oh, and some pork scratchings. Cheers.


    The first round? Were going into battle? I had no idea that things had gotten so bad. I mean I know a tavern can be a rowdy place and all, but I always thought Peculiar Mansion was a decent place. Wow, things have really changed from 3.5 to 4th edition. So this is what they meant by going from Points of Light to.....well I guess, Points of Darkness? Well I've got my chainmail bikini on, I'm hardly dressed for battle. Who's the enemy, perhaps we can negotiate a peaceful understanding. I see no reason what-so-ever that we should succomb to violence. After all, we are on vacation and I don't do battle on vacation Exclamation

    Quote:
    Oh crapola! The cat! The cat! Eileen, tell me you made arrangements for the cat.


    Ah, you need not worry yourself over your....cat. Of coarse I took care of everything. The cat will be meeting us at Peculiar Manor, in fact, though the sun is going down, I believe I see him on the shore as we speak, using this looking glass the good captain gave me. Yes, there he is....seems he has a couple of others with him as well. Hmmmm....hard to make out what they are....one looks like a horse.....no not a horse, looks a little small for that, the other, kinda a big and dumb looking human.....no, not human, looks to different for that. That person, large, no I think he's kinda overweight, must be sick too, his color doesn't look very good......Here, look for yourself. Word of caution, they do look a bit Peculiar.

    http://www.webundies.com/images/sk122l2m.jpg

    And here is a better look at your cat.

    http://www.stttelkom.ac.id/helpdesk/download/wallpaper/Shrek%202%20-%20Puss%20in%20Boots.jpg
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    Sun Jun 08, 2008 7:40 pm  

    Smillan says, "First round is on me. Any subsequent rounds and the results thereof are your own responsibilities. Ragr I do believe I smell pork skins fresh out of the pot. Best way to have 'em. They practically melt in your mouth."
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    Sun Jun 08, 2008 7:49 pm  

    Peculiar cat indeed. And its accent seems very familiar. Now ogres and donkeys I recognize, though in Ull they aren't so ugly or green.

    Quote:
    Despite the gay music to be heard at Peculiar Manor, the men already are showing signs of nervousness.

    It might be because of that chainmail bikini, but that's just me. At least I hope its not just me. *starts to wonder about this Peculiar place*

    Quote:
    After all, we are on vacation and I don't do battle on vacation

    Vacation? Is this how you treat every quest? I can't believe I got suckered into that suntan lotion gambit. Quick Ragr give a speech, my morale is dropping!
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    Sun Jun 08, 2008 9:07 pm  

    smillan_31 wrote:
    "First round is on me. Any subsequent rounds and the results thereof are your own responsibilities. Ragr I do believe I smell pork skins fresh out of the pot. Best way to have 'em. They practically melt in your mouth."


    Oh drinks, your talking about drinks! Whew, for a minute there I was getting worried that we would have to send Smillan in by himself. He swore to protect me from such violence. I am concerned about one thing though, what if the tavern is filled with a bunch of uncouth drunkards. I mean really, are you sure you want to rub elbows with such individuals?

    Mortellan said:
    Quote:
    It might be because of that chainmail bikini, but that's just me. I can't believe I got suckered into that suntan lotion gambit.


    Now there is nothing wrong with this chainmail bikini, it is practical and fashionable. I will have you know it is the latest rage in all of Greyhawk for us single ladies. And it is hardly anything for you to get nervous over Mort, after all, surely a man of the world such as yourself has gotten around, so I hardly find my modest attire distracting in any kind of way.

    Mortellan said:
    Quote:
    Vacation? Is this how you treat every quest?


    You misunderstood, a quest is something YOU work at, I don't work! I'm privelaged. This may be a quest for you, but it's a vacation for me. I mean think about, here we are, on a cruise ship, playing games, suntanning, now were stopping at the tourist spot for some fine dinner. And the Ghost Tower of Inverness itself, were off to see some ancient tower that 's some kind of historical site. I mean I have heard of a lot of people that have visited it ever since 1st edition. Obviously it is a tourist trap. I do hope they have brochures to read when we get there. You know, a lot of brochures have a map of the place as well. Do you think we will have a tourist guide as well? That would be really neat, then they could tell us about each and every chamber. Oh, can you imagine what the gift shop will be like? Souveniers for everyone! Honestly, what part of this is a quest?

    Mortellan wrote:
    Quote:
    Quick Ragr give a speech, my morale is dropping!

    Ok, Ragr.....SPEECH, SPEECH, SPEECH, SPEECH!

    ------------------------------------------------------
    NIGHT! ENJOY YOURSELF MEN, BUT REMEMBER, WE PULL DOCK AT DAWN, SO BE BRIGHT AND BUSHY-EYED.

    OH, RAGR, THERE IS AN ISSUE WITH THE PAYMENT, IM AFRAID I NEED THE MONEY UP FRONT FOR THE ENTIRE TRIP NOW, ELSE YE AND YOUR COMPANIONS WON'T BE BOARDING IN THE MORN. YOU DO HAVE THE MONEY DON'T YOU?
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    Mon Jun 09, 2008 12:44 pm  

    If that inn's not full of rowdy drunks........it soon will be. Get to that bar smillan, and grab me a plate of porky goodness to go with my Old Peculiar.

    You want a speech?

    "Never in my life have I been backed by such a mighty crew of awesome and downright sexy heroes. My cup of pride brims over. My heart beats like a racing stallion galloping after some filly at springtime. So, my sturdy folk of brave endeavour, gird your loins, raise your voices in praise of your holy causes, for tonight; we eat and drink this manor dry! And tomorrow? We beat the living abyss out of anyone foolish enough to attempt to thwart our just and noble quest."
    "As long as they can wait 'til our heads clear" Ragr whispers to any who can hear.

    And, damnit, Prophet! You know I done got no cash. Pay them hairy sailors and stop bothering me with non-heroic mundanities. I got a job to do. I need to focus! Focus!! Focus!!! Where's that smillan with the ale?
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    Fri Jun 13, 2008 12:19 pm  

    EileenProphetofIstus wrote:
    Now there is nothing wrong with this chainmail bikini, it is practical and fashionable. I will have you know it is the latest rage in all of Greyhawk for us single ladies. And it is hardly anything for you to get nervous over Mort, after all, surely a man of the world such as yourself has gotten around, so I hardly find my modest attire distracting in any kind of way.

    *nods* Yup. Hmm? What ya say?

    Quote:
    You misunderstood, a quest is something YOU work at, I don't work! I'm privelaged. This may be a quest for you, but it's a vacation for me. I mean think about, here we are, on a cruise ship, playing games, suntanning, now were stopping at the tourist spot for some fine dinner. And the Ghost Tower of Inverness itself, were off to see some ancient tower that 's some kind of historical site. I mean I have heard of a lot of people that have visited it ever since 1st edition. Obviously it is a tourist trap. I do hope they have brochures to read when we get there. You know, a lot of brochures have a map of the place as well. Do you think we will have a tourist guide as well? That would be really neat, then they could tell us about each and every chamber. Oh, can you imagine what the gift shop will be like? Souveniers for everyone! Honestly, what part of this is a quest?

    The scary thing is that makes sense.

    Quote:
    "Never in my life have I been backed by such a mighty crew of awesome and downright sexy heroes. My cup of pride brims over. My heart beats like a racing stallion galloping after some filly at springtime. So, my sturdy folk of brave endeavour, gird your loins, raise your voices in praise of your holy causes, for tonight; we eat and drink this manor dry! And tomorrow? We beat the living abyss out of anyone foolish enough to attempt to thwart our just and noble quest."
    Hear hear! Ahhh I feel my morale picking up already!

    Quote:
    Where's that smillan with the ale?

    Where's smillan, indeed. *looks around suspiciously*
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    Sun Jun 15, 2008 11:39 pm  

    Ragr said:
    Quote:
    And, damnit, Prophet! You know I done got no cash. Pay them hairy sailors and stop bothering me with non-heroic mundanities. I got a job to do. I need to focus! Focus!! Focus!!! Where's that smillan with the ale?


    Sigh, it seems like all I do is bail you out of trouble. Everyone said earlier that you were picking up the bill for this vacation. I never heard you say you weren't at that time.

    All right Mr. Popeye the Sailor Man.....what is it going to take to pay for this little boat trip of ours? Oh, what is that? You say Ragr can peel potatoes to make it up to you? Ok, I think I can work with that. I'm sorry could you repeat that. You say Mortellan needs to feed the rats below deck. Well, allright, we certainly don't want any of Beory's little creatures going hungry. Oh, Smillan you say. You want to challenge him to a drinking contest? Well I suppose he would be up to that. Sure, he'll show up. You say if he loses I have to what? SLAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mad

    OK, Ragr, negotions are complete! Get your plastic knife out for tomorrow, your going to be peeling potatoes.
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    Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:30 pm  

    Oh! I'll peel their spuds for them alright.

    Right after I peel their eyeballs with a spoon, that is.
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    Thu Jun 19, 2008 8:59 pm  

    Ragr wrote:
    Oh! I'll peel their spuds for them alright.

    Right after I peel their eyeballs with a spoon, that is.


    Well you may expect me to do damage control which I completely understand since I have an 18 charisma and yours is like....oh, I don't know, subterranean perhaps. Just for the record though, I WILL NOT PEEL POTATOES NOR WILL I PERFORM ANY OTHER LABOR IN AN EFFORT TO APPEASE SOME GREEDY SAILORS. I shall make an attempt to smooth the situation over however one more time.

    Ah, my good and noble Captain, how good it is to see that you are so generous as to allow you hardworking sailors some R&R. A true leader recognizes the value in positive morale and rewards their followers accordingly. I have discussed our terms of agreement with my fellow companions and I am pleased to say that nearly all are in agreement with your terms, as they are truly more than fair. I do regret to inform you, and I must admit, I am a bit embarressed to say this, but Ragr is unable to peel the potatoes for this voyage. I'm certain he wanted to and I do believe he was going to forgo his night of partying to make sure that everyone on board was well fed. Then he realized, that potatoes are hardly a worthy staple of the hardworking sailor. You see, he has come to the realization that what your men need is true delicacies, meals to remember. Now keep in mind that all Halflings have at least 10 ranks in cooking and I wouldn't be surprised if its a class skill for him as well. You see, runor has it that his Great, Great, Great, Grandpappy once served Iggwilv. Back in 491 CY, the Witch Queen ruled the land of Perrenland with an iron fist. Now they say that Grzzt was her downfall, but I have it on good authority that it was really Ragr's Great Great Great Grandpappy's cooking that caused Iggwilv to neglect her iron fist rule and armies galore. You see, he once served her has a enslaved master chief. In fact he was so good that when you pronounce his title you must emphasize both first letters of the title and when written it is decreed to appearing in boldface script. No other Halfling can make such a boast.

    Anyway, so Ragr's Great, Great, Great, Grandpappy served as Iggwilv's MMaster CHHief . One day as her armies had already gained control of the poor nation of Perrenland, this brave and noble Halfling prepared the most exotic dishes garnered from all areas of the Flanaess. Not only were these the most tasty dishes in all of the Land of Greyhawk, but together, they allowed certain biochemical changes to occur within the Witch Queens body. You see, shortly after feasting upon the pleasures of the Universe, she became particularly sleepy as she was quite overstuffed. This drowsiness caused her to elapse into a temporary coma which in turn lasted long enough that her armies disbanded as a result of betting bored waiting for her orders. Thus the land of Perrenland was saved and quite possibly all of the Flanaess as a result of Ragr's great heritage.

    Anyway, so Ragr has agreed to provide a sampling of these wonderous dishes, none of which require a menial potato. I do believe the menu will be as follows.....and these are quotes he gave me when I questioned him about the divine foods your sailors are about to dine upon.

    While in Lordship of the Isles, I tried a sea slug. They were kept alive in a large tub. The old lady who sold them, took one out, sliced it into pieces (threw the guts away) and gave it to me with a yellow sauce in a cup. It was surprisingly crunchy, and tasted sort of like a radish. I would eat one again, but they just don't sell them here in Greyhawk.

    I tried smoked eel when little, and as I have not been able to find them anywhere in the western Flanaess, I have found them in Naerie. The closest I have found in taste to it is smoked kippers, but it is just not the same. You peel one side, eat out the meat from between the bones, then flip it over and peel and eat the other side.

    Fish eyes are a delicacy in the Amedio Jungle and probably other parts of the jungles of the Flanaess as well. Recently I went to a tavern with my extended family and my little sister called "first dibs" on the eyes from the steamed whole fish. I, for one, was only too happy to oblige her! She scooped out an eyeball with her spoon, popped it into her mouth, ecstatically sucked down the juices, and then spit out the cornea.

    The air bladder that fish use to control their buoyancy. Suel Barbarian cooking uses this for a soup. It's pretty good, actually, sort of spongy.

    And then of coarse we have Jellied eels which are specifically a Irongate food, sadly now in decline. They have an affinity with pie and mash shops where the eel liquor (the eel cooking liquid) is gussied up with parsley and served over a minced beef pie and creamed mushrooms.

    Bird Nest Soup, made from the nest of a particular kind of cave/cliff swallow. The swallow secretes a substance from a gland (similar to a salivary gland) as an adhesive to bind twigs and leaves and such together to make the nest. A good way to gross out people is to tell them what bird's nest soup is made from. Did that to my fiance, while we were having some. She was going, "Hm, this isn't bad, " so I filled her in. She immediately dropped her spoon and refused to touch it afterwards.

    Deep fried monkey toes, eat it off the bone.

    Squirrel Brain, yes, the brain of the small tree climbing rodent. You cook the head with the rest of the body (after cleaning of course), then, using your fingers and a fork, you crack the skull open and dig the brain out. Tastes kind of like mushrooms to me.

    Buy a cow's foot in a butcher shop, chop it up and cook for hours & hours in water with spices, garlic, salt, pepper, etc. It is a good idea to evacuate the ship during cooking time to avoid the overwhelming smell. Then pour this mess into a large flat pan and refrigerate. It sets to a nice translucent grey jelly with a layer of fat on top. Cut into large cubes and serve with lots of horseradish to kill the taste.

    Bats, in the covered market in Radigast City, they sell them, smoked. They're only about three inches long, like skeletal brown mice. I ate one, because I'm constitutionally unable to pass up things like that, but for the next six months I woke up checking for symptoms of something unimaginable. Never happened. Tasted like beef jerky.

    Alligator on a Stick, chunks of deep fried alligator (tail part, battered in corn meal, seasonings, served on a 10 inch wooden skewer. Seen mostly at outdoor festivals. Has a chewy consistency like undercooked pork. Most people balk at the thought of eating one of these large lizards. When washed well, these can be cooked as anything you like and flavor is close to fried fish, chicken nuggets, or roast BBQ ribs. Mainly from South Mist Marsh Swamp.

    In the town of Saltmarsh, tarantula spiders are very commonly eaten by the locals, travelers who pass through often try them too. The locals developed rather a taste for the furry 8-legged arachnids and now they still form a major part of the towns dietary intake. Hundreds of these spiders are hunted, cooked and sold everyday in what must be one of the more unusual 'fast food' arrangements I've seen.

    And of coarse you'll need something to wash it all down with.

    Put a seagull in a bottle. Fill with water. Let it ferment in the sun.
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    Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:21 pm  

    *Rolls a 1 for Save vs. Exotic Foods*

    *Spew!*

    I thought I ate vile food in my homeland but those samples make me hurl!
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    Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:30 pm  

    mortellan wrote:
    *Rolls a 1 for Save vs. Exotic Foods*

    *Spew!*

    I thought I ate vile food in my homeland but those samples make me hurl!


    Well it's what Ragr's making for our sailors to pay for the passage. I'm afraid you'll have to participate in order to avoid insulting our host. Me, I happen to be in the middle of a religious fast so I'm afraid you'll have to dine without me. Convienently it will end once the voyage is over. I suppose I could let you off the hook if you convert to Istus.
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    Sat Jun 21, 2008 9:44 pm  

    Istus, mmm nah. Fate is nice and all but I worship Boccob the Uncaring with a side of Zilchus. Boccob's pre-destination is just as powerful as Istus' and Zilchus says I too can be RICH! How could anyone not respect that religion? Especially you, Eileen. Speaking of dogma, your easy going life of leisure style is also particular to Sotillion. Do you have any shrines or idols to her around?
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    Sat Jun 21, 2008 9:56 pm  

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    Sat Jun 21, 2008 10:30 pm  

    Mortellan said:
    Quote:
    Istus, mmm nah. Fate is nice and all but I worship Boccob the Uncaring with a side of Zilchus. Boccob's pre-destination is just as powerful as Istus' and Zilchus says I too can be RICH! How could anyone not respect that religion? Especially you, Eileen. Speaking of dogma, your easy going life of leisure style is also particular to Sotillion. Do you have any shrines or idols to her around?


    As I see, so your another one of those fickle "I will worship whoever it is conveinent to worship heathens are you!" Sigh, you are just the type of which I was given my responsibilites for. You see my good friend, in the days of old, far earlier than known history dictates, the ancient ones actually devoted themselves to one god apiece. This heartfelt dedication allowed them to understand the very inner workings of their declared religion. One cannot reach total spiritual growth by switching deities every other hour. It takes years of study, prayer, meditation, and appropriate works to even begin to understand the truly basic of any religion.

    As you may have well heard, the Gods have gathered together and watched how we mortals have brought low the respect and dedication the Deities so rightfully deserve. As thus, the time has come for the Age of Divine Retribution. The deities have declared that if the mortals of the Flanaess do not return to the ancient ways of worship, that this very land we stand upon, this very land known as Oerik shall suffer a great many judgments cast by the deities themselves. Each judgment shall be a reflection of the spiritual focus of that particular religion. I have seen the beginning of these judgments my friend and they are truly beyond our understanding of divine wrath.

    So I reach out to you Mortellan, please fully dedicate your life to one god, be it any one you so choose. I do recommend Istus however!

    Now, as for your brutal assault on my character, Istus grants each and everyone one of us a fate. For some it may be an early death, for another a penance of an earning, yet truly great riches for others. You see regardless of what destiny and fate she has so chosen for me, I readily accept whatever it will be. She could strike me down tomorrow in health or wealth and I shall embrace it.

    You know what I think, I think your just jealous. That's it, your jealous. Your upset because I have the Goddess of Fate, Luck, Divination, Destiny, and Future on my side. Your just jealous that I have a great big temple with lots of followers, a family mansion overlooking Zagyg's Bridge. Your just jealous because I have the pink and purple umbrellas and a magical flying carpet. Not to mention you probably wish you had my beautiful long blonde hair!

    Tsk, Tsk, perhaps you should dedicate yourself to Erythnul, he is after all the God of Envy! There is also Kurell, the God of Jealousy! Choose wisely, for once you have committed yourself, the other aspects of their dogma shall be yours as well.

    Don't hate me because I'm beautiful! : Happy
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    Sun Jun 22, 2008 8:13 pm  

    Erythnul and Kurell? Hah! I am not so jealous of you to stoop to that level. (Although I'd keep my eye on smillan) Don't let my address fool you. I do well for myself as a wage-mage-sage if not also as a charismatic politico-attorney-at-law for Greyhawk minorities. I would choose one deity but there is so many options to consider. Boccob and Zilchus pay the bills but for one I also like to worship Wee Jas for her law aspect. I mean, her image and all is worthy to have on the tower wall ;) Then there is Pyremius and Joramy. I've made a good reputation on Fire spells. Then there is Zagyg. I do have a good sense of humor as you know. Oh and how can I forget Lydia and Delleb? Knowledge is power. Then there is Correllon Larethian. Dad's religion and Ehlonna, Mom's. I'm sure there's others but you get the idea. So yup Wizards are fickle, thats why we are eccentric and go insane most of the time. And I know a wizard should never try to banter about dogma with a cleric but I can't help myself.
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    Tue Jun 24, 2008 7:41 am  

    I don't have an envious bone in my body, and even though I've sacrificed to a double handful of gods in my time I'd never stoop to giving the Many any due. There's no profit to be gained from worshiping him unless you're an orc or just some mindless killer. No I gravitate toward soldier gods.
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    Sun Jun 29, 2008 12:52 am  

    smillan_31 wrote:
    I don't have an envious bone in my body, and even though I've sacrificed to a double handful of gods in my time I'd never stoop to giving the Many any due. There's no profit to be gained from worshiping him unless you're an orc or just some mindless killer. No I gravitate toward soldier gods.


    Sigh, I'm surrounded by Heathens. Oh well, at least we will also have a God of War on our side. Well I don't know about the rest of you but I have dinner reservations awaiting and I do believe its about to be served. After that, I shall retire early and allow you to celebrate in the manner I fear you are accustomed. Please do not awaken me from my slumber with your drunken revelry and please don't do anything to get us kicked out of the place as well. The ship sails early so I expect everyone to make it on board in a prompt and timely manner without any ailments from the previous night.
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    Wed Jul 02, 2008 11:30 am  

    Eileen said; "After that, I shall retire early and allow you to celebrate in the manner I fear you are accustomed."

    Upon receipt of such divine guidance, Ragr dives headfirst into a vat of Old Peculiar, casting aside the semi-dissolved remains of various rodents, surfacing a few seconds later and singing at the top of his lungs "Drink it down you Hobniz Warrior, Drink it down you Hobniz chief, chief, chief, chief."

    Later, he will challenge mort to repeat his wage-mage-sage line after copious consumption. And then he'll try to persuade smillan to do the same with the one about the pheasant plucker's son. And then we'll drink more seriously. (Note to readers; drinking too much is neither big nor clever (sounds familiar). Do not try this at home.)
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    Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:31 pm  

    Rouses after a night of copious drink and baudy revelry. Luckily being an elf he only needs a few hours sleep anyhow.

    "I feel very peculiar...what are we doing here again?"
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    Fri Jul 04, 2008 8:42 am  

    EileenProphetofIstus wrote:
    Sigh, I'm surrounded by Heathens. Oh well, at least we will also have a God of War on our side.


    "No, no. We'll have a number of war gods on our side. Maybe not all at the same time."

    Smillan raises the first of many mugs of Old Peculiar and joins Ragr in his Halfling rugger song.

    "You Halflings, give you some drink and afresh goblin's head and you come up with a sport."

    Much later he wakes up looking as if he'd been poleaxed by an ogre and thanks the gods that he has several of them he can pray to put him out of his misery.
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    Fri Jul 04, 2008 1:20 pm  

    EileenProphetofIstus wrote:
    Sigh, I'm surrounded by Heathens. Oh well, at least we will also have a God of War on our side.


    Smillan_31 wrote:
    Quote:
    "No, no. We'll have a number of war gods on our side. Maybe not all at the same time."


    Sigh!

    As the morning sun begins to peak over the horizon, Eileen completes her morning prayers to Istus. With a full stock of spells, she prepares herself for the inevitible.

    She exits Old Peculiar, borrows the best workhorse she can from her host. Attaches a rope around it's neck, ties the other end to the left feet of Ragr, Smillan, and Mortellan, and has the horse drag their sorry ends to the ship. Up the plank they go. Now on board, she releases them from the horse, has the sailors tie them up from head to toe to the mast, pulls out her spiritual doctrines of Istus and begins what eventually becomes known as the "Sermon on the Selintan".

    The sermon is incredibly enthralling and the sailors abandon their posts to sit with the unworthy. Their mouths hang in astonishment and anticipation, their eyes as large as saucers as they take in every word of the Prophet of Istus. The ship steadily drifts downstream bouncing back and forth from river bank to river bank, barges and boats alike are struck by the out of control ship. The occupants stand on the tops of their sinking vessels shaking their fists at the adventurers ship yet no one really cares. Eventually the ship pulls into Hardby. With the converting of all the sailors including the captain, the pary's dept to the ship is paid in full.

    With each passing day, Eileen has her servants spoon feed the others while tied to the masts. Undoubtedly receiving many complaints of discomfort, requests to use the bathroom, and a continous onslought of "Are we there yet?" Eileen comtemplates whether or not she should actually untie these three questionable critters once they arrive.

    The ship's journey continues into the open waters of the Woolly Bay until the looming remains of the Ghost Tower of Inverness can be seen on the highest of hills overlooking the Woolly Bay. Eileen finally decides that Ragr needs to pay back his 1000 gp fine to the City of Greyhawk because it is the Lawful thing to do. As she unites each of them so they can help load up the long boat with supplies she says.....

    "Oh, in case I forgot to mention, my Daddy told me that some gem fell from the sky and its powers were used to create this tower by a wizard many years ago. Apparently the tower holds this alleged magical gem of some sorts which suck the souls out of the unworthy. The good new is he who has the gem and the knowledge, is able to harness these souls to do their bidding. I think every tourist place comes up with some sort of local legend to entice tourists. So anyone want to back out?"
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    Sat Jul 05, 2008 3:13 am  

    Eileen said;The sermon is incredibly enthralling and the sailors abandon their posts to sit with the unworthy.

    Ragr leans over to his new drinking buddies and says, "With all this wind to fill our sails we'll be there before we've left." Wink

    Ragr is astounded, and more than a little impressed, by smillan's grasp of Greyhawk history; for 'tis true that the humble Hobniz were the inventors of that most bullish of sports known as Rugby. And, for a short while, we were world beaters at it. But then bigger folk became enamoured of it and, basically, we got creamed every game. However, history and tradition are not so easily suppressed and, throughout the multi-verse, the position usually taken up by the smallest of players is still known as "Fly-Halfling". Though, tragically, it has mostly been shortened to plain old Fly-Half.

    Soul-sucking eh, Prophet. I've had worse. And it's a gem. That's my favourite three letter word. You get to control all the souls within? Well then...(Ragr places imaginary wind instrument to lips, and moonwalks across the deck);
    "I'm a soul Hobniz..(doo, dood, doo, de doo dood doo)
    ...Yes, I'm a soul Hobniz"
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    Sat Jul 05, 2008 11:44 am  

    "I've come too far to back out now."

    Watches Ragr sort of 'backing out' while playing an invisible instrument. Detect Magic and True Seeing reveals no item, clearly he must be under Otto's Irrestible Dance or some Suggestion spell. No matter. Now looks up at the nearing Ghost Tower.

    "Soul sucking gem? Bah. That's not how I heard it Eileen. Erm, you're just referring to the Suel gems there. It seems uh, that the migrating Suel came through here and sucked all the gems from the Abbor Alz's mines before moving on to the east."

    Rolls Bluff check while preparing Legend Lore spell to learn more about the Ghost Tower.
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    Sun Jul 06, 2008 8:38 am  

    The way I hear it, this wizard fella name Galap Dreidel invented a game with a little four-sided spinning top with funny runes on each side. There was a song that went along with it but I can't remember it. Maybe Mort's spell will dredge it up. Anyway the wizard made millions off of the game, enough to buy a really big gem.
    Don't know anything about it sucking souls though, although the way my head feels I don't know as I'd particularly mind. Still, I'll be letting Ragr take point since it's traditional in these instances to let the Halfling do that. I'm not one to mess with tradition, by Kord's Sweaty... uh Armpits. Yeah, Armpits.
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    Thu Jul 10, 2008 6:51 am  

    Ragr said:
    Quote:
    Soul-sucking eh, Prophet. I've had worse. And it's a gem. That's my favourite three letter word. You get to control all the souls within?


    Mortellan said:
    Quote:
    "I've come too far to back out now. Soul sucking gem? Bah. That's not how I heard it Eileen. Erm, you're just referring to the Suel gems there. It seems uh, that the migrating Suel came through here and sucked all the gems from the Abbor Alz's mines before moving on to the east."


    Smillan said:
    Quote:
    The way I hear it, this wizard fella name Galap Dreidel invented a game with a little four-sided spinning top with funny runes on each side. There was a song that went along with it but I can't remember it. Maybe Mort's spell will dredge it up. Anyway the wizard made millions off of the game, enough to buy a really big gem. Don't know anything about it sucking souls though,


    Well it seems we have all heard something different. Typical of a tourist trap to put forth multiple ghost stories to invite an adventurer or four. Well, I suggest that we ask the tour guide when we arrive. Just up this long winding hill and we shall be there. Odd, place looks kinda vacant from here. I hope it isn't closed for repairs or anything. It would really be terrible if we travelled all this way just to find out that their fixing the place up. No matter, with my great importance we shall not be denied entrance. No one dares to say no to a Prophet of Istus!

    AND SO 55 POSTS AFTER RAGR AGREES TO TAKE ON THIS PERILOUS QUEST, OUR HEROES MOUNT THEIR WELL...MOUNTS, AND ASCEND THE WINDING PATHWAY LEADING UP TO THE INFAMOUS GHOST TOWER OF INVERNESS.

    The massive walls rise 50' high and are an outstanding 8' thick. Numerous crumbling holes can be seen where the stone has given way, allowing the adventurers to see beyond the barrier. Within, is an enormous pile of rubble nearly 20' tall lying in the courtyard.

    A sign stands crooked next to the pile. Engraved on the wood it says "This was the main tower. It fell as you can plainly see. That's what I get for hiring drunken dwarves to do the construction." Signed...."The big bad evil guy who use to live here".

    The remains of towers still stand in all four corners of the keep, each with a large metal door leading inward. A key hole is present in each door. Upon each door is a evil and horrible looking visage which begins to speak as you approach.

    "We lost the key a very long time ago. To enter you may......

    1. Knock three times while hopping up and down on one foot followed by citing three curse words in dwarvish.
    2. You can try a key, any key you have and hope it works.
    3. You can bash the door down but it you do, you'll have to wait for the adjuster to come by and assess the damages so we can bill you.
    4. You can use magic to enter but we already know this adventure is for characters level 5-7 and so you don't have sufficient magic to enter, because well....basically your still pretty low level and we heard you all suck as adventurers.
    5. You can ask really, really, really nicely and maybe if we hear you and have absolutely nothing better to do, we might consider letting you in sometime before the tourist season is over with."

    "WOW! four doors, four intact towers, four adventurers, and now 4th edition. I think this means something really important guys! Well we could each take one door and race to the gem! The downside to that is I won't have Smillan to hold my pink and purple umbrellas nor my light mace. So personally I'm not in favor of that plan.

    I know, Smillan, you grab the halfling by the trousers, Mort. you open the door real quick. After we throw Ragr through the open door, he should set off any traps present and the rest of us will be safe. Ready to take one for the team Ragr? Now we just need to decide which door."

    Eileen, puts a blindfold on, tells Mort to spin her in a circle and begins to recite an ancient Baklunish prayer.....

    Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a tiger by the toe. If he hollars, make him pay fifty gold pieces every day. My Mother told me to pick the very best one and you are it........Eileen points forward, pulls off the blindfold and sees that she is pointing to door#..............
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    Sat Jul 12, 2008 2:52 am  

    Ragr dons a rather tattered looking cloak; through the rips and burn marks can be seen the words "trap monkey".

    To smillan he says, "ready when you are squire".

    To Eileen, "get the kettle on love, I'll be back in 5".

    And, to mort, he cries "thank you doorman" as he hurtles bravely forward to face the peril beyond.
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    Sat Jul 12, 2008 5:14 pm  

    Thump.....Wham......Boom.......Bam.....Whack.....Thud....Oof! Ragr rolls down the spiral stairway, landing on the cold stone floor.

    "Hey Ragr catch!"

    Eileen throws down a lantern which shatters, the tiny area instantly engulfs in flames at the spilled oil, Ragr's cloak catches fire once again.

    "Can you see down there? What did you find?"
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    Sun Jul 13, 2008 6:55 am  

    "Well, there's a Small Fire Elemental for starters. Oh no! That's me." Rolls around a bit.

    " I've found 10 Copper pieces. Absolutely no gold whatsoever. Not a piece."
    Shuffle, shuffle.

    "Get down here, Prophet. And bring that there turning with you."
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    Sun Jul 13, 2008 9:14 am  

    Eileen activates her carpet of flying and descends downward.

    "Let's see, we got stone walls, floor and ceiling, it's dark, damp, cold, kinda musty. Yep, looks like a dungeon allright!"

    Eileen removes a dark cloth from the top of her staff to reveal a bright light.

    "There, that's better, now we can all see! A metal rack with a few remaining scrolls stands in the corner. In addition, a stone shelf sticks out from the wall with a large lavish book made of black dragon hide on it.

    A metal scroll rack stand off to the side, with a sign that reads: Due to financial strains we needed to cut back on staffing. As a result your normally scheduled tour guide (Ralph) will not be available. We hope this doesn't inconveinence you to much. Please feel free to take one of the maps we have provided in order to properly navigate your way through the labryinth. If you have not already done so, please sign the guest register. In order to avoid previous editions of "unfun" we have labelled the rooms which do NOT actually have encounters. Feel free to bypass these rooms if you wish. Thank you for participating in our tournament module and we hope you don't die!

    For a mere 2,500 gp we would like to offer temporary life insurance. This insurance will be good as long as you are on the first level of this dungeon. Your insurance warrenty may be extended by an additional 1,000 gp for each added level you reach. Without purchasing this insurance, the Ghost Tower of Inverness Inc. cannot be responsible for any party deaths which may occur.

    P.S. Ralph wasn't very happy about losing his job so he turned into an undead and now roams this dungeon. Since we did not relocate him within the company however, he is not actually an employee of Ghost Tower of Inverness Inc. Our understanding is that he is currently very upset with us and therefore takes out his aggression on the tourists who visit. We apologize for any inconveinence this may cause.

    The guest register is signed by many individuals. Next to each name is a date in which they entered the dungeon, their, class, level, homeland and edition of D&D they were part of. The very first names appearing are:

    Mordenkainen.......Fireseek 14, 570 CY, Wizard, 6th, Greyhawk, 1st edition
    Fred....................Fighter, 4th, Warner Brothers, 1st edition
    Daphne...............Useless, 3rd, Warner Brothers, 1st edition
    Velma.................Wizard, 4th, Warner Brothers, 1st edtion
    Shaggy.................Jester, 5th, Warner Brothers, 1st edition
    Scooby Doo..........Familar, 6th, Warner Brothers, 1st edition

    "So do you think we should trust this map or do you think it was put here to throw us off? According to this, we go down the hall, take a right, then another right until we reach the end of the hallway. Along the way are several rooms marked "Unfun". Now you left that copper behind right? I'm sure it belongs to someone else and that they fully intend to return for it."
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    Mon Jul 14, 2008 12:40 pm  

    Follows Eileen on foot seeing perfectly fine, having Infravision to see the fire light or in more recent editional studies, Low Light Vision for dank near lightless areas like this. Then he is blinded suddenly by Eileen's magic light. Rubs eyes.

    "Sure stay with the map. I hope it's got a grid. Let's go!"

    Rubs eyes more and gets turned around walking back up and into smillan.

    "Oh I see you've chose to lead the party? Good man."
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    Tue Jul 15, 2008 8:14 am  

    "Whuzzit!? Get that wee sword out of my leg!" Smillan mutters as Mort shakes him awake. Soothed by the promise of tea, he had fallen asleep, dreaming about the last time he tossed a flaming Halfling through a doorway. Man, that was some party.

    He pulls a suitable pair of sharp/pointy/bludgeoning implements from amongst the many such secured to his body and says, "Right. Let's do this thing!" as he kicks down the door and charges in screaming "LEEERO... er SMIIIILLLLLLAAAN!!!
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    Tue Jul 15, 2008 9:32 am  

    And awaaaay they go!!

    Ragr cannot believe that he is accompanied by such heroic folk. He slaps himself roughly to suspend disbelief and then follows the mighty smillan. After mort that is. Oh! And the Prophet.
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    Tue Jul 15, 2008 3:08 pm  

    Smillan screamed:
    Quote:
    He pulls a suitable pair of sharp/pointy/bludgeoning implements from amongst the many such secured to his body and says, "Right. Let's do this thing!" as he kicks down the door and charges in screaming "LEEERO... er SMIIIILLLLLLAAAN!!!


    As smillan charges into the near center of the 50 x 40 ft. room. A second door appears on the far wall, which says: Beyond this door are a couple of unfun rooms. Feel free to walk right through. To make this dungeon user friendly, we did not place any secret doors within these rooms. We would have put something in these rooms but our budget didn't allow it. This dungeon sold for $5.49. If you would like to leave a suitable donation we would be happy to add a monster, trap, secret door, random dungeon hazard, or NPC in these unfun rooms. Please take a moment to fill out this questionaire and check the appropriate box for your desired encounter.

    Fine print: The quality of the encounter is dependent upon donations made.

    A sizzling sound from behind is heard, it sounds much like the sizzling of Ragr's breakfast sausages from this morning. The door slams shut with lightning speed and entombing the lone adventurer inside. On the door, in glowing letters appears the word "Occupied". The remaining party catches a glimpse of the monster before the door slams shut.

    Whirling around, he sees a horrible looking creature blocking the entrance in which he just came in. The beasty rears its ugly head and attacks Smillan with the ferocity of a 1st edition monster. It's tentacles drawn to his many arms (the metal kinds) which he so proudly displayed two posts ago.

    http://www.iwozhere.com/SRD/images/MM35_PG216.jpg

    With one of his tentacles, the beast quickly throws down a d20, looks up at Smillan and hisses and growls, pointing to the die trying to convey that he thinks he's won the initiative.

    Eileen screams....."Put him in a headlock Smillan". She then turns to the others and says "I think he can handle this one. Its a just a giant armored bug. I'm mean he's got armor, tons of weapons, what's the worst that could happen?"
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    Tue Jul 15, 2008 8:35 pm  

    EileenProphetofIstus wrote:
    With one of his tentacles, the beast quickly throws down a d20, looks up at Smillan and hisses and growls, pointing to the die trying to convey that he thinks he's won the initiative.

    Eileen screams....."Put him in a headlock Smillan". She then turns to the others and says "I think he can handle this one. Its a just a giant armored bug. I'm mean he's got armor, tons of weapons, what's the worst that could happen?"


    Through the door the rest of the party hear the clang of something metal hitting the floor, and then Smillan saying, "It's a good thing I never got rid of my lucky rock." This is followed by a sound like 500 cockroaches being crunched all at once underneath a giant foot. A long silence is followed by the grinding of the door as it rolls back into the wall. Smillan stands there above the beast. One of its still twitching antennae is still wrapped around a rusty axe lying on the floor, though the head that the antenna is somewhat attached to has been smashed into a pulp of chitin and gelid goo. Smillan is wiping some of the same substance off a (human) head-sized ball of stone.

    "I'll have mine white with two sugars, puh-leeze."
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    Tue Jul 15, 2008 9:18 pm  

    "What a wonderful critter you've found there Smillan!"

    Looks to the others. "We all get XP for that right?"
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    Wed Jul 16, 2008 12:17 am  

    "Damn straight we get xp. I feel like I got a lot out of that encounter."

    If I'd have known things were going to be this easy I'd have volunteered us for ALL of those quests the Prophet's father was blathering on about.

    Forwards my puissant friends, I've a fine Chablis cooling in the well.
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    Wed Jul 16, 2008 8:46 pm  

    Excellent, I feel more enlightened about my career already.

    Speaking of "profits" I am only in this to get my court fee from you Ragr, don't be giving Eileen any ideas about further misadventures!
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    Thu Jul 17, 2008 4:43 am  

    Yeah! We really need to sit down and have a chat at some point, mort. I'm really not getting this whole "court fee" thing. Smile
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    Fri Jul 18, 2008 1:16 am  

    Mortellan, Ragr, I think you guys got this whole courtroom fee thing backwards. Ragr, I was wondering.....are you going to charge Mortellan for allowing him to represent you? I mean if you really think about it, who did who a favor here. You got in trouble, he's a legal representative.....where would his career be if you hadn't given him the opportunity to shine in a famous city like Greyhawk. Can you imagine the exposure that one court case gave him? Without your case, he'd be representing gnomes somewhere out in the Cairn Hills. So the way I see it, he owes you for allowing yourself to be a billboard of his success. Your his walking advertisement, and everyone knows that the person who wants to place an add for advertisement must pay the individual providing the advertising.....and that would be you! So how much do you think your services were worth to Mortellan? I'd say at least $5,000 gold. A pittance of an amount when you consider how much he will be earning in the future as a result of the advertisement you offered him.

    Now while you think that over, I'm going to fill out one of these questionaires. Let's see, do I want a random encounter, a secret door, a trap, a random dungeon hazard, or an NPC in one of the empty rooms? Hmmmm.......tough decision.

    Well, the random encounter could be dangerous but provide us with valuable experience points. I think if Smillan eliminates more monsters I might be able to go up a level soon, so that would be pretty neat. On the other hand, I really abhore violence and don't feel that we should randomly slay...well....random monsters simply to benefit ourselves, seems kinda selfish and cruel to me.

    A secret door would be nice, probably would lead to some unknown part of the dungeon. Of coarse since none of us know our way around the dungeon, any direction we go other than the way we came would be unknown to us, so really, what would we be gaining?

    Now a trap on the other hand could be interesting as well as dangerous. It provides some experience points but does pose a risk to someone in the group, perhaps all of us. If we send Ragr in to disarm the trap and we all cheer him on, we should get experience points. On the other hand, if he fails and dies we have one less party member we can rely on. So maybe a trap isn't the best route to go. Although, if Ragr is killed and the rest of us continue, we all could get more experience because we divide the XP by three and not four. I guess I'll have to think about this some more.

    Now a random dungeon hazard could be anything. Either way we know it won't be good, else they wouldn't call it a hazard. I don't really see any logic in selecting something that offers no potential positive outcome to this adventure. On the other hand, the creators of the dungeon might be nice enough to put up a hazard sign so we know where it is and can avoid it.

    Finally, we have an NPC we could encounter. Now we have no idea what alignment the NPC would be, could be good, neutral, or evil. If we ask them what their alignment is and they are good, they will tell us, most likely if they are neutral they will as well. But if they are evil they will probably lie to us and say they are neutral or good in order to lull us into a false sense of security and then when we aren't looking, "WHAM" they try and kill us. Again, another difficult dilemna.

    Oh, look, I must have misread the questionnaire, it seems it has one other alternative as well. A random treasure. Well, what do you think, should we go for the random treasure?

    Shhhhhhhhh.............what's that sizziling sound? Darn it looks like another insta-create-a monster-out-of-no-where. Look a cute little puppy.

    http://images.buycostumes.com/mgen/merchandiser/21562.jpg

    Oh, I think they call it a Hell Hound, and look, according to his collar his name is Spot! Can we adopt it?
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    Fri Jul 18, 2008 9:26 pm  

    Nervously goes silent as Eileen turns the tables on the talk of fees and such, opting instead to read the questionare with alot more interest.

    "Um, ah, you know in some editions surviving a trap is its own reward, unless you're a thief using his skill on it. I would opt for something else."

    Points.

    "Ah yes! Random Treasure why..."

    Looks at the Hell Hound appearing and laughs when Eileen suggests adopting it.

    "That is so sad looking, but then again I do constantly have Protection from Fire spells on me (collateral damage is bad mkay). If only I had the proper Proficiencies or Ranks to train such an animal it would make a decent guard monster for my tower back home!"
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    Sat Jul 19, 2008 12:00 am  

    I believe that Ragr said something about wanting a war dog awhile back, perhaps Spot can handle the job! Happy
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    Sat Jul 19, 2008 9:20 pm  

    EileenProphetofIstus wrote:
    Oh, I think they call it a Hell Hound, and look, according to his collar his name is Spot! Can we adopt it?


    Ah Prophet, you remind me of one of my daughters. I think her mother was the one in Eru Tovar, or maybe it was the one in Ungra Balan... Either way she was definitely a Wolf Nomad, and you know what they say about Wolf Nomad women.
    Anyway. Where was I? Oh yeah, daughter. Yep, she was always taking in strays. So I take her down to Schwartzenbruin so she can see her grandparent's (my folks) gravesite and I can get her on as an acolyte at the temple of Berei where my sister is a priestess, so she can get a good education. Anyway we get separated down at the docks and by the time I find her she has a bundle in her arms. She says "Daddy. I found this ugly little dog. Can I keep him?" I look at the bundle and I swear by Pelor she has a dire rat swaddled up like a baby, and the thing is snoozing away.
    So of course I let her keep it.
    She's the only ranger ever to graduate Stalwart Pines with a dire rat as a companion animal, although I hear they're not letting the 4th edition graduates have companion animals, which is a darn shame if you ask me. Sure they let fire-breathing lizard men in now, but a companion animal, nooooo! What's the Oerth coming to?
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    Sun Jul 20, 2008 1:38 am  

    Smillan Said:
    Quote:
    So of course I let her keep it.


    Excellent, then its decided, Spot, you come with us. Together we will take a bite out of cri....er, this dungeon. Say maybe he can pick up the scent of the big bad evil guy and where he last went. I betacha the last place he ever went was the treasure room. What do you think? I think if we just follow Spot he will lead us straight to all the treasure. I mean sure, this random dungeon generator questionaire will lead us to a random treasure, but I hardly think that will be anything in comparison to the room at the end of the dungeon with a secret door, two traps and a bunch of big monsters guarding all the wealth. Let's see we should give Spot something to eat so he trusts us.

    Starts to cast a spell....

    http://www.scotchficelle.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/dog_food.jpg

    and for desert

    http://images.jupiterimages.com/common/detail/43/72/23297243.jpg

    Ah, good old Create Food and Water...hope you guys brought some rations along.

    Smillan Said:
    Quote:
    Ah Prophet, you remind me of one of my daughters. I think her mother was the one in Eru Tovar, or maybe it was the one in Ungra Balan... Either way she was definitely a Wolf Nomad, and you know what they say about Wolf Nomad women.


    Just so you know, I am half Baklunish on my father's side and half Suloise on my mothers. So tell me, what do they say about the Wolf Nomad women?
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    Sun Jul 20, 2008 8:02 pm  

    Gingerly pets the Hell Hound while it eats.

    "We're taking a break to eat already? I can still see the exit!"

    Quote:
    Just so you know, I am half Baklunish on my father's side and half Suloise on my mothers. So tell me, what do they say about the Wolf Nomad women?


    I can't speak for smillan's experience, but in Ull, everything we know about Wolf Nomads can be found here...(Casts Drawmij's Instant Summons.)

    http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51MPFiLnIWL._SL500_AA240_.jpg

    "What? Kester is one of the few places remaining you can find these books!"
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    Sun Jul 20, 2008 9:30 pm  

    EileenProphetofIstus wrote:
    Just so you know, I am half Baklunish on my father's side and half Suloise on my mothers. So tell me, what do they say about the Wolf Nomad women?


    You know. The thing about how they have very soft skin, and can cook dog very well. Now I will admit, dog is greasy, but you'd be surprised how downright delicate the flavor is, especially when you're starving.
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    Sun Jul 20, 2008 9:53 pm  

    Smillan Said:
    Quote:
    you know what they say about Wolf Nomad women


    Quote:
    The thing about how they have very soft skin, and can cook dog very well. Now I will admit, dog is greasy, but you'd be surprised how downright delicate the flavor is, especially when you're starving.


    I am not cooking the dog, for that matter I don't cook for anyone! And you are not starving. Your just here to carry the pink and purple umbrellas and slay monsters that attack us. Mad As far as my soft skin, well....here's my secret....

    The best time to moisturize is immediately after bathing when your body is damp and moist. Smooth on Body Butter, Body Cream, or Body Lotion to lock in moisture. And you donít have to spend a lot of gold either. Some may think the more expensive a moisturizer is, the more effective it will be against dry skin. Expensive lotions make us feel more luxurious and privelaged because were worth it. But the good news isóespecially if you donít have a 200 gold a month beauty budget like I do, is that you can still have radiant, glowing skin for the cost of your daily Silver Dragon Inn breakfast of eggs, juice and muffin, just by visiting your local bathouse. Here they sell several great moisurizers that hydrate and condition dry thirsty skin with natural ingredients like shea butter and vitamin E. Here sit down Smillan, let me show you.

    Smillan now.......

    http://www.accelerator3359.com/Wrestling/pictures/barbarian3.jpg

    Pushes Smillan to the floor, bends over, withdraws several small containers from her belt of many pouches. Starts washing Smillan's face with a soapy wet cloth, lightly touches his face with a dry soft towel to remove any excess beads of water. Begins to put on moisturizers, body, butter, body creams and lotions. Combs his hair, cuts it, swishes it one way, then the other, adds a little makeup to cover skin blemishes.....has him put new clothes on.

    Two hours later Smillan's make over is complete.

    http://www.stumblingpiper.com/images/Art-Pics/Mine-Conan-the-Barbarian1.jpg
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    Mon Jul 21, 2008 4:31 pm  

    Wow! It's amazing what a little moisturizer can do for your pecs and biceps! Though I may pray to many gods, for this adventure... I kick **** for Istus!

    I would like my little deer antler skull hat back though. It has great sentimental value to me. My dear old one-eyed granny knitted it for me for when I went into exile amongst Wolf Nomads. It has cool little flaps that come down and keep you ears warm.
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    Mon Jul 21, 2008 10:45 pm  

    "WTH? I am not standing here and watching this!"

    Averts eyes, wanders off a ways, whistling.

    "Here monster monster monster!"
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    Tue Jul 22, 2008 1:29 am  

    I said;"Ragr cannot believe that he is accompanied by such heroic folk."

    Prophet, I wish to retract my previous observation. Clearly I was put off by the thought of mushrooms sizzling in a pan full of melted butter, and the proximity of said "fine Chablis".

    Ragr now joins mort in seeking certain death at the hands/teeth/claws/breath/poison etc of a passing random encounter that was originally conceived to spice up those moments when momentum has left the adventure as opposed to the departure of my will to live.
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    Tue Jul 22, 2008 3:03 pm  

    Ragr just said:
    Quote:
    I said;"Ragr cannot believe that he is accompanied by such heroic folk."

    Prophet, I wish to retract my previous observation. Clearly I was put off by the thought of mushrooms sizzling in a pan full of melted butter, and the proximity of said "fine Chablis".

    Ragr now joins mort in seeking certain death at the hands/teeth/claws/breath/poison etc of a passing random encounter that was originally conceived to spice up those moments when momentum has left the adventure as opposed to the departure of my will to live.


    But much earlier Ragr said:
    Quote:
    You want a speech?

    "Never in my life have I been backed by such a mighty crew of awesome and downright sexy heroes. My cup of pride brims over. My heart beats like a racing stallion galloping after some filly at springtime. So, my sturdy folk of brave endeavour, gird your loins, raise your voices in praise of your holy causes, for tonight; we eat and drink this manor dry! And tomorrow? We beat the living abyss out of anyone foolish enough to attempt to thwart our just and noble quest."

    So what your saying is that your just jealous because Smillan is better looking and more muscular than you are. First you want sexy heroes, which I gave you, now your embarressed? Sounds like jealousy to me.

    Fear not Smillan, Ragr and Mort will appreciate those raging pects and biceps later on, that I am certain. Do not let their petty jealousy get in the way. I guess I might as well leave a donation in order to get that random treasure.

    Places one of her pink and purple umbrellas down on the floor for one of the Dungeon owners. There, certainly that will be sufficient. Now to check the appropriate box on this questionnaire.

    By the way did you want your hair curled as well? Seems that we have some extra time since the other two are off trying to accomplish this dungeon all alone.

    Oops, looks like I got distracted and accidently checked random monster. Oh well, the other two will reach it first. I'm sure they can handle it. Hey wait a minute, this questionaire must be magical. Look, a monster is appearing on the parchment. Hey neat, look, I recognize this guy, isn't his name....Demo-something in other? What do you think Smillan, what's this guys name again?
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    Wed Jul 23, 2008 6:34 am  

    As Ragr races to catch up with Mort, he zippity zips down the continously turning hallway until he hears a stone sliding up ahead. Peering forward, he sees a figure darting into a secret door. Ragr quickly reaches the door and enters only to have the door slam shut on him. The hallway is filled with bright blinding lights as he hears deep, husky slow, breathing. A deep monotone voice says....

    "You are unwise to lower your defenses!"

    AND THEN.....

    Whack! a sharp blow to the back of the head and Ragr falls to the floor like a sack of potatoes.

    "You should not have come back!"

    Apparently the magic umbrella Eileen gave up was so nice it was worth a random encounter and random treasure for Mort, a secret door for Ragr, and a surprise for everyone later on.
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    Wed Jul 23, 2008 9:11 pm  

    Stops and looks back.

    "Ragr?"

    Listens with attentive elf ears.

    "Eileen? smillan?"

    Gets out his rollerdeck of places to teleport to in case of emergency.

    "I've got a bad feeling about this."
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    Thu Jul 24, 2008 3:12 pm  

    "Demo-, demo-, demoDAND!!! Not Demogorgon, pleasepleaseplease." Smillan whispers frantically as he spins around and sees an emaciated humanoid critter oozing what looks like tar.
    "Whew, just a tarry demodand," he breathes and wades into the beast with blades spinning. As one blade sticks to the tarry fiend he pulls forth another of the seemingly endless array of deadly weapons he carries about his person and resumes the attack, dodging the creatures clinging grasp.

    Eileen calls out "Flamestrike" and Smillan jumps back as a roaring column of heavenly fire crashes down on the fiend, engulfing it.

    As the flames die down they can see the demodand struggling to its feet. Eileen turns to Smillan and shrugs shouting "Flamestrike" again.

    Nothing happens. A voice from above clears it throat and says, "Ummm, sorry but Flamestrike is only a daily power... er, prayer in 4th edition. You might want to try Knights of Unyielding Valor. I hear some people like that."

    Eileen rolls her eyes. "Oh, very well then... Knights of Unyielding Valor!"

    Suddenly four ghostly warriors bearing shields emblazoned with the holy symbol of Istus surround the demodand. The creatures claws slash through them with no visible effect. "What the-" the demodand says in surprise.

    "What do we do now?" Say Smillan and Eileen in unison.

    "Use the knights to flank the demodand," says the mysterious voice from above.

    Smillan tosses Eileen her light mace and they both attack the fiend, using the ghostly knights as cover.

    As Eileen delivers a crushing blow to its head and it dissolves into a greasy cloud of smoke, banished back to Tartarus/Carceri it's hissing voice can be heard to say, "Not fairrrrr, they don't even have 4e stats for meeee yet..."

    In the stunning silence that follows Smillan flexes a massive bicep, turns to Eileen and says, "Did you just hear that?"

    She is wiping tar off her mace with an annoyed look on her face. "What? The demodand? Of course! I'm not bloody deaf you know!"

    "No, not him. I'd swear I just faintly heard Mort say 'I've got a bad feeling about this'. I hate it when that happens."
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    Sat Aug 02, 2008 9:23 pm  

    *walks backwards in his own steps as not to incur any trap checks or new wandering monster rolls*

    I am coming people, Mort is on the way to help. Anyone need a spell?
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    Tue Aug 05, 2008 2:50 am  

    With the party regrouped (with the exception of Ragr), they reach the next room which certainly is designed to bring about the near and almost certain death and doom, because the adventures reach room #6 on page 7 of our adventure.

    A sign appears on the door....

    http://www.signworksgraphics.com/images/Mini_Golf_new/MiniGolf_scan.jpg

    Opening the door, we see a room apparently lit by magical means. The room is painted in a life like manner resembling an outdoor scene. Special pathways made of brick, wood and green flooring are spread throughout the huge room. At the end of each pathways are little holes in the floor. At the end of each pathway stands a terrible bugbear.

    All sorts of people are scattered throughout the room holding clubs and the chamber looks much like this.....but with the terrible bugbears standing ready to devoure all who come to close.

    http://lh3.ggpht.com/_NigbLPsu8QI/R6vM9ae2zAI/AAAAAAAACgE/SoHWh7EgJjU/100_0513.JPG

    http://minipainting-guild.net/eo/bugbear.jpg

    In the center of the far wall is a 10 foot long, 5 foot high stone sarcophagus. A cryptic message of runes is carved into the side allowing the party to see it though deceiphering the ruins is another matter.

    http://www.uhl.ac/blog/wp-content/uploads/helenes-sarcophagus.jpg

    Posted on the outside of the doorframe are slips of papers which read:

    Scoring:
    Start with 10 points. Subtract 1point from the your score for each bugbear animated. Add 5 to the score of the first player to correctly identify the method of animation, add 5 more points to for whoever locates the key first.

    "Wow, neat, they made a game for us and these slips of paper are Score cards. Well the Ghost Tower of Inverness was a tournament module. I'm guessing we have to score as many points as possible and find the key before all of these NPCs do."

    Magically appearing on the floor in front of you is a little sphere.

    http://www.huronsd.com/Websites/HuronSD/images/default/golf.jpg

    A metal club magically appears in your hand

    http://www.raru.com/images/spor/golfclub50ctdia.jpg
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    Tue Aug 05, 2008 2:43 pm  

    Well that sucks, the link stopped working in the previous post, try this one instead...

    http://www.shorebiz.com/barnacle/oldgolf2.jpg
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    Tue Aug 05, 2008 9:17 pm  

    Uhhhh, screw the bugbears. What about that axe-wielding giant in the middle of the room? Those sure are funny looking bugbears too. I haven't seen anything like that since the OD&D books. Back when I was a wee sprat bugbears had great big pumpkins for heads but that breed must have died out because I haven't heard of them for years.
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    Wed Aug 06, 2008 9:11 pm  

    Well I'll take a whack at this since I'm an elf which means I clearly have more natural athletic talent than the rest of you. Hmm, strange devices. A staff and an orb. Wizardly implements if ever I saw one.

    *Stands upon a pathway and lines up the orb with the club, eyeing the hole as clearly the size of the hole implies the tiny orb must be deposited inside.*

    *Rears back and taps the ball with a concerted amount of force, sending the ball into a ricocheting path toward....*
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    Thu Aug 07, 2008 2:04 am  

    Wait Mort.....as much as I hate violence, aren't you suppose to hit the NPCs with the sphere, staff, club, whatever that thingy in your hand is....
    Perhaps we need to negotiate with those people....Oh, too late, he already hit the sphere. It's probably magical and now he will break it. Watch out for the bugbear!

    "SHUT UP OVER THERE, WILL YA, WERE TRYING TO CONCENTRATE, DO YOU MIND!"

    Oh, my Mort, it seems all your chattering has disturbed the bald man wearing the funny shirt. Oh, look, his sphere rolled past the hole in the floor. Maybe your suppose to avoid the hole. Perhaps a magical force draws it and you need to summon all your energies to avoid the hole.

    Ummm.....when do the athletics come into play? So far you've just stood there and tapped the sphere.
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    Mon Aug 18, 2008 9:33 pm  

    *Employs a prestidigitation cantrip to make the sphere change direction and go into a hole.*

    "See! I'm a natural!"
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    Tue Aug 19, 2008 3:15 am  

    All of a sudden a mighty thundering noise arises about the room.......Er, okay, a small shrieking voice, uttering words that are mostly expletives, can be heard coming from one of the small holes.

    There is a brief struggle, but then Ragr emerges, glowering at mortellan, who still holds the club. Ragr spits out the offending object from his mouth and hands it back to mort, "this, goes with that I believe" he says testily.

    "Mmmmn", he continues, having caught sight of the sign in the room. "Pizza. Hawaiian with extra mushrooms please. Send the bill to my representative," he nods at mortellan.

    "So, did ya miss me? Well, did ya?"
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    Sun Aug 24, 2008 1:20 am  

    Looks nonplussed when Ragr appears.

    "Yeah welcome back. How did you get in there?"

    Passes the bill over to Eileen. Looks around for her.

    "Eileen?"
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    Sun Aug 24, 2008 8:02 pm  

    Smillan says "Pizza? I love keoish food! Hold the Olman Spiney-Fruit on mine though, please."

    "May I?" he says putting out his hand to Mort for the club, which the elf obliges by passing it to the *ahem* colorful man-at-arms.

    Firmly gripping the handle of the strange club in both hands Smillan eyes the nearest bugbear statue and says, "Seems to me the problem with being an animating bugbear statue that subtracts points from somone's score is that you can't animate too well when someone knocks your head off with a club." So saying he proceeds to knock the blocks off all the bugbears in the room.

    Calmly walking back to Mort he hands the club to the elf and says, "Ah, it appears my pizza is ready. You may proceed, sir."
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    Mon Aug 25, 2008 1:25 am  

    Mort said:
    Quote:
    "Eileen?"


    Shhh....I'm having a vision......

    I see a dark knight, he wears a helmet that I do not recognize. He's the one who clubbed Ragr over over the head. Wait....he speaks to someone...he says.....

    "Escape is not his plan. I will deal with them myself"

    Ragr....I fear the worst for you. Someone of great diabolical nature has decided that you are to be.....DUM...DUM...DUM....eliminated.
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    Mon Aug 25, 2008 7:50 pm  

    EileenProphetofIstus wrote:

    Shhh....I'm having a vision......

    I see a dark knight, he wears a helmet that I do not recognize. He's the one who clubbed Ragr over over the head. Wait....he speaks to someone...he says.....

    "Escape is not his plan. I will deal with them myself"

    Ragr....I fear the worst for you. Someone of great diabolical nature has decided that you are to be.....DUM...DUM...DUM....eliminated.


    Smillan cocks an eyebrow at the pizza chef. "She's gone all Pythia on us. Say, what kind of mushrooms did you put on her pizza? And do you have any more?"
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    Sun Aug 31, 2008 4:06 am  

    Elimination? Shocked

    Obviously a typo. Confused

    What you meant to say was; elevation to demigod. Cool

    Anyway, there's a whole network of tunnels that link up under this.....ehrm....golfcourse. So, if we can just find some method of shrinkage we can head straight for the treasure chamber-probably around about encounter area 30 or so as this is a 1e style module-and cut out all the nif-naffing. Not that all that muscle bound thud and blunder wasn't impressive, smillan. It just becomes so repetitive and tiresome after a while. What a fully rounded, intricately detailed fellow like me needs, is deep immersion story telling and the odd chance to utilise some of those skill points I put into flower arranging. So if we can just get to the main villain, challenge him to a "flower off", leave him shrieking in despair following his abject defeat, nick his treasure and then return for more pizza I'm a happy Hobniz.

    And by the way, I'm more than a little offended by the preponderance of "happy little Hobniz with problems" adventures that seem to be a staple of 1st level adventure writing. And if I ever find out that any of you folks have ever run such piffle, I shall have you all enchanted by a friend of mine and forced to parade through the streets of Greyhawk, wearing nothing but pixie boots, and singing
    "I got no gnomes, I got no class, but I'm still really happy,
    "Cos I got Tieflings, I got Eladrin, I'm a 4e monkey."

    And I'm buggered if that Emridy thing you scribed, mort, will be canon IMC. Sniff.

    Wow, these mushrooms ARE SO GOOD!!!
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    Mon Sep 01, 2008 1:07 pm  

    Ragr wrote:
    So, if we can just find some method of shrinkage...


    Well, I find being immersed in really cold water always does it for me, but I'm not quite sure how that's supposed to get us into those tiny tunnels.
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    Wed Sep 03, 2008 12:47 am  

    Ooohhh Matron!!!

    This expedition is turning into a "Carry On" film.
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    Wed Sep 03, 2008 9:04 pm  

    Ragr wrote:
    Ooohhh Matron!!!

    This expedition is turning into a "Carry On" film.


    As long as we don't sink to Benny Hill-like exploits.

    Now in the next encounter we'll need you to disguise yourself as a pregnant goblin to infiltrate their lair.
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    Thu Sep 04, 2008 10:11 pm  

    I apologize in advance if my lore is detrimental to your well being Ragr. (snicker)

    So, shrink to go under the encounter? BRILLIANT! I've never tried such a tactic before. Lesse, I don't seem to have any Reduce spells handy but I may have some Gaseous Form potions. You never know when you'll be buried alive in Ull y'see. Hmmm, I wonder what Eileen thinks of scuttling around underground in miniature?
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    Fri Sep 05, 2008 12:34 am  

    Ah, so a plan has been formulized, well thought out, and now must be executed with absolute precision. Such a drastic but nesessary measure no doubt will have unforseen dangers lurking around the corner. Seems to me to be an excellent time for a Divination spell.

    "OH ISTUS, IF IT BE THY WILL, PLEASE GRANT ME YOUR DIVINE AND UNENDING KNOWLEDGE OF THE PERILS WE ARE ABOUT TO UNDERGO. THESE HERE BRAVE ADVENTURES SO WISH TO CRAWL ON THEIR BELLIES LIKE THE DUNGEON RATS THEY BE. SHALL SUCH A PLAN BRING US TO THE TREASURES THAT LIE AHEAD? SHALL SUCH DESPERATE MEASURES BE FROUGHT WITH PERIL? PLEASE GUIDE OUR WEE LITTLE MINDS AND HEARTS WITH YOUR INFINITE WISDOM!

    "AH MY CHILD, UNDERGROUND YOU ALREADY ARE, TUNNELS YOU ARE ALREADY TRAVELLING THROUGH, AND THE CHAMBERS THEMSELVES ARE NOTHING MORE THAN ALREADY CARVED OUT HOLES. BUT SINCE I FAVOR YOU AND AHEM.....COUGH....YOUR COMPANIONS, I SHALL GRANT THEE WISDOM....

    PASS ABOUT HOLE TO HOLE
    LISTEN AND LOOK CAREFULLY FOR THE FOUR
    TURN RIGHT TWICE FOLLOWED BY A LEFT
    FOR A FATAL TURN ONE SHALL SEE
    HOW HORRIBLE A FATE THIS PERIL CAN BE
    IF YE HEEDS MY WORDS
    YOULL FIND A KEY
    RETURN TO LINE TWO
    FOR THERE ARE MORE
    BUT SHOULD YOUR FRIENDS COMPLAIN
    ABOUT MY LORE
    THEY SHALL SOON DISCOVER
    THERE IS NO MORE

    OH, AND YOU'LL BE NEEDING THIS....

    Plop, a bundle of red sticks that says "Danger Dynamite"
    Remember, light the fuse, run, around the corner, wait for it to blow.

    Well guys, it seems we have Istus' blessing. Alright Mort turn us into dungeon rats if you need to.
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    Sat Sep 06, 2008 8:24 am  

    Let me just be absolutely clear on those instructions my dear Prophet;

    Light Fuse Smile
    Run around corner Happy
    Wait Shocked

    That's all?
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    Sat Sep 06, 2008 12:46 pm  

    Oh, and collect the treasure! I guess I didn't think that part was all that important. Sorry!
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    Tue Sep 09, 2008 9:07 pm  

    Change us into dungeon rats? I despise polymorph spells. They are so broken. Hmm, hold your sticks of alchemist's fire a second...we need to check these holes first she said.

    *Stoops and peeks in a few, expecting traps to go off.*
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    Thu Sep 11, 2008 1:12 am  

    "Fore!" the golfer cries as he whacks the ball into the little hole Mortellan is looking into.

    Hey, you, what are you doing with that hole I'm putting into? Ya trying ta mess up my game?
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    Fri Sep 12, 2008 1:04 am  

    Sneers and bats the ball aside before sticking his slender elven hand down in the hole.

    "Sporting in a dungeon! Feh! Why can't you at least be noble and play outdoors, perhaps on an idyllic elven pasture?"

    Feels for anything.
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    Sun Sep 28, 2008 10:27 am  

    So. You've been rifling around in there for a long time, my Ullish legal beaver. Are you getting anything? If it's good we all might want a go.

    C'mon lemme through, I want a rummage.

    On the subject of Idyllic, I know a DM.........Well, that'd be me actually, that got a little confused one day when describing the wall hangings in a room to my players. On one wall were scenes of pastoral goings on in a forest; on the other, gory renditions of battle. Believing myself to be the long lost son of Tolkien, I puffed up and in my best descriptive tone declared, "On the East wall are Idyllic scenes of battle and slaughter, on the West, horrific depictions of Sylvan creatures dancing and singing". Embarassed

    Still, not quite as bad as a fellow DM, who once built up to a crescendo of desriptive prowess ending with "you come across the aftermath of some terrible conflict. The lands around and about look completely f*****!"
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    Tue Sep 30, 2008 10:45 am  

    *Fishes in a different golf hole while avoiding more careening spheres*

    Yes speaking of f#$% up Ragr, it seems high time to get this quest back on track. Why don't you blow something up like you and Eileen mentioned earlier? Or better yet...

    *Takes out a fist full of gas form potions (4gp/gallon) and hands them to Ragr, leaving one for himself.*

    Last one through to the treasure smells like a rotten egg!

    *Drinking it he becomes a green mist.*
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    Wed Oct 01, 2008 3:35 am  

    Green's never really been my colour, but what the hell, let's get gaseous.

    (Suddenly remembers that you cannot speak when gaseous.) Damn, I've been duped into silence by my very own legal weevil. Help!!!!!
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    Wed Oct 01, 2008 9:59 am  

    "In all my years I've never been gaseous before. Of course there was that disagreement between my digestive system and all the dire sewer rat I was eating during the siege of Redoubt. There was a gnome squire, Bernard Mound I believe his name was, said you could set a clock by my er... emissions. He was a funny little guy, always chasing around scantily clad women, though where the scantily clad women came from in the middle of a siege I never could figure out. Must have been an illusionist.

    What? Shut up and drink the potion? Oh yeah. Too right."
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    Fri Oct 10, 2008 2:19 am  

    And exactly how do you plan to carry this Gift of Treasure Bearing Stick That Goes BOOM when your in gaseous form? How you perform this feat I would truly like to see...less of coarse you have a feat that allows you to preform this feat, but then if you do it wouldn't really be much of a feat for me to watch, so I guess I'll just wait here. Boys and their toys! They get 1 stick of magical explosives and they try to blow up the whole dungeon. Now go find the tunnel that leads to the sarcoughagus, blow it up and lets be on our way.
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    Fri Oct 10, 2008 2:42 am  

    Sarcophagus? Shocked

    Now I'm pretty sure that dealing with anything that lives in one of them's not in my contract. What we need's a priest. Know of any good ones? Eh, Prophet?

    Now there are some pretty pointless feats out there in splatbook world but I don't recall "Carry and handle explosives while gaseous and at the same time comply with relevant health and safety legislation and be cognisant of your responsibilities regarding the well being of all users and being careful not to give offence to any that come into contact with said volatile substances" being one of them.

    But, I might have missed it.
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    Fri Oct 10, 2008 4:17 am  

    Nope don't know of any priests. I do know a priestess though, in Dyvers, she might be of some help. You want me to go get her? I can be back in less than 3 months, ok, maybe 4 months, 23 days, 18 hours, 12 minutes and 43 seconds, but whose counting.

    Say you could send your hell hound. Give him the potion of gaseous form, have him strap it to the coffin....you know man's best friend....oh, wait, your a halfling.....what do halflings get for best friends....hamsters?

    Do you have the Carry, strap, light, and run real fast feat? How about the Taking one for the team feat? Oh, I know, how about the....Making the henchmen earn their keep feat....turns and looks at Mortellan and Smillian.
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    Fri Oct 10, 2008 4:28 am  

    Henchmen?

    Surely our comrades in arms are Hirelings.

    Now, where's that 1e DMG, I wanna find out how much these guys deserve to earn. Wink
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    Fri Oct 10, 2008 4:30 am  

    Here it is, flip, flip, flip. Yep, your absolutely right. Hirelings. They didn't sign any special agreements about not doing dangerous work did they? Hey the one drawing the comics looks kinda lost, grab him...tell him he can have ALL the copper.
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    Fri Oct 17, 2008 9:36 pm  

    Clouds around Eileen, surrounding her in a greenish haze. If something is going to be blown up or carried, or anything resembling hireling work he decides then he'll remain uselessly in gas form until the others accomplish it. Wink
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    Sat Oct 18, 2008 4:07 am  

    mortellan wrote:
    Clouds around Eileen, surrounding her in a greenish haze. If something is going to be blown up or carried, or anything resembling hireling work he decides then he'll remain uselessly in gas form until the others accomplish it. Wink


    Sigh! Idea Looks like if you want something done, you gotta do it yourself. Mad

    Grabs the potion of Gaseous form, takes the Holy Dynamite stick in hand, drinks down 1/2 the potion, swirls around the room, slips through Morts left ear, comes out the right ear despite his gaseous nature (NOT TO IMPRESSED), Wink

    Whisps through the tunnels...pasts three vampires in gaseous form on their way to attack the remainder of the group. Happy

    Arrives underneath the sarcoughagus. Waits for the potion to wear off, (NO DOUBT HEARS THE SCREAMS AND CRIES OF DOOM OF THE OTHER ADVENTURERS AS THEY FACE OFF WITH THE VAMPIRES), Happy Happy

    Attaches the explosive, lights it, drinks down the rest of the potion, watches the fuse burn closer.....starts to wonder why the potion isn't taking effect Question ....(NO DOUBT HEARS EVEN MORE SCREAMS AND CRIES OF DOOM OF THE OTHER ADVENTURERS AS THEY FACE OFF WITH THE VAMPIRES).

    Watches the fuse burn even closer Shocked Shocked

    Realizes she isn't going to get out in time.... Embarassed

    Listens for the BANG Sad

    Hears the BANGShocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked It's the last thing she hears...... Question

    Suddenly a gazillion coins of every type (including electrum) bursts out of the sarcoughagus.....as the dungeon chamber shakes and dust spills out from the cracks in the ceiling and walls.....

    The remaining golfers are all really....really.....really....angry because they all missed their puts. Suddenly realizing there is raining gold....they thrown down their putters and start grabbing coins as quick as possible.

    Eventually......a sense of alarm falls over the others....as they realize.....Eileen.....is....
























































    DEAD!
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    Sat Oct 18, 2008 10:00 pm  

    Hears the K-Boom. Comes out of gaseous form to see a shower of coins. Sees three vampires angrily approaching. Looks to the others urgently this time, now realizing the folly of dillydallying in a classic-dungeon.

    "Ragr, Smillan. I sense a TPK coming on, we better regroup and fast. And as much as I like coins (including electrum) I think the wrath of Istus and Eileen's family may be a fate worse than death. If only we had a backup cleric." Wink
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    Fri Oct 31, 2008 3:25 pm  

    Apparently the thread needs a ressurection as much as Eileen. Wink

    Expeditiously jumps in and take Eileen away(without compensation? gasp!) from this fiasco, hoping the brutal smillan and the affable Ragr can hold off the impending doom long enough for an escape plan. Indeed given a round or two a teleport can be whipped up to anywhere mort's seen before. Greyhawk City? Vesve? Ull?!? Choices!
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    Sun Nov 02, 2008 9:57 am  

    Smillan, reforms as the gaseous cloud potion wears off, sweat beads on his brow. Three vampires! And if these are 4th Edition monsters Three Vampire Lords!!! Sweet Pelor, what to do?

    Suddenly a blazing bullseye lantern appears above his head and he smiles as he reaches into one of the pouches hanging off his baldric. He pulls out what looks like a large cloth sausage and throws it in front of the vampires uttering the mystic phrase "Kar-bone D'eye Ox-hide!" The "sausage" makes a hissing noise and unrolls into a full-sized poppet of a cleric of Pelor boldly holding a holy symbol in front of him that blazes with light.

    The vampires hiss and back up slightly, covering their faces with scarlet-lined black opera cloaks.

    "Feet, do your stuff!" yells Smillan as he picks up Ragr like a halfling-sized football, and runs back down the hall screaming like a... well, like a normally very courageous veteran of numerous campaigns and adventures who has a strong aversion to dying and then rising from the dead as an immortal blood-sucking fiend.
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