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    Canonfire :: View topic - Sanctigaard and the Demesne of Sir Xaris ab Yustin
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    Sanctigaard and the Demesne of Sir Xaris ab Yustin
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    GreySage

    Joined: Jul 26, 2010
    Posts: 2530
    From: LG Dyvers

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    Fri May 20, 2011 5:06 pm  
    Sanctigaard and the Demesne of Sir Xaris ab Yustin

    http://www.canonfire.com/cf/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=1013&mode=&order=0&thold=0

    Bad form or no, I'm asking for feedback on my article linked above: Sanctigaard and the Demesne of Sir Xaris ab Yustin.

    I was unable to find anyone willing to proofread and/or edit it before submission to Postfest XV here on Canonfire! and apparently none of the Postfest editors had the time to offer feedback (or perhaps they simply couldn't improve upon it Razz ).

    I would like to submit an adventure for OJ #26 (or a later one) and would really like some quality critiques of my writing style. Some specifics I'd like your opinion on are:

    Is it a topic of interest?
    Did I include an appropriate amount of specifics? - Too little information? Too much information?
    What about the game stats I included? - Good amount? Too many? Too few?
    Did I include information helpful to you as a DM?
    Was there too much or too little descriptive text?
    Was it written in a reader-friendly style? Interesting or dry and boring?
    Any other suggestions you would like to offer to help me become a better writer.

    Thanks! Smile

    SirXaris
    Apprentice Greytalker

    Joined: Apr 07, 2011
    Posts: 49


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    Fri May 20, 2011 9:39 pm  

    Xaris I am reading it now but I just want to comment on possibly the best two sentences I have read in a long time..


    Quote:
    When Xaris’ presented himself before the Prince of Ulek, Corond grasped his request from the forge of opportunity with the tongs of inspiration. Together, they worked it upon the anvil of politics with the hammer of ingenuity into a workable solution to his problem

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    Dymond
    -My kingdom for a Shield Lands map!
    GreySage

    Joined: Jul 26, 2010
    Posts: 2530
    From: LG Dyvers

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    Sat May 21, 2011 7:24 pm  

    dymond wrote:
    Xaris I am reading it now but I just want to comment on possibly the best two sentences I have read in a long time..


    Quote:
    When Xaris’ presented himself before the Prince of Ulek, Corond grasped his request from the forge of opportunity with the tongs of inspiration. Together, they worked it upon the anvil of politics with the hammer of ingenuity into a workable solution to his problem


    Thanks man! Cool

    SirXaris
    Grandmaster Greytalker

    Joined: Nov 07, 2004
    Posts: 1830
    From: Mt. Smolderac

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    Sat May 21, 2011 9:52 pm  

    Nicely done!
    Grandmaster Greytalker

    Joined: Jul 10, 2003
    Posts: 1234
    From: New Jersey

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    Tue May 24, 2011 8:47 pm  

    Over all solid article!

    My only critique would be the lack of one of two maps of the area. Otherwise good stand on its own submission. Now a little too much hecate for my taste but definitely stands on it's own really well.

    As far as submissions for Oerth Journal in General send an email to oerthjournal@gmail.com with your submission idea and a brief description. One of are Xvart's or Gnome's will get back to you.

    Don't worry each submission to the OJ is critiqued and feedback is given to each author. Sir Xaris follow the link for more info http://oerthjournal.blogspot.com/

    Look forward to seeing you Evil Grin
    GreySage

    Joined: Jul 26, 2010
    Posts: 2530
    From: LG Dyvers

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    Wed May 25, 2011 6:21 am  

    smillan_31 wrote:
    Nicely done!


    Thanks smillan_31! Happy

    Now that you have successfully inflated my ego, will you offer some suggestions for improvement to bring me back down to earth? Wink

    Argon wrote:
    Over all solid article!

    My only critique would be the lack of one of two maps of the area. Otherwise good stand on its own submission. Now a little too much hecate for my taste but definitely stands on it's own really well.


    Thank you, Argon. I appreciate that very much. Smile

    I'm not sure what you mean though, as there is an area map at the bottom of the article. It wasn't attached initially as I apparently emailed it to the wrong person, but Cebrion received it and it is now attached.

    Originally, I intended to include maps of all seven levels of Castle Sanctigaard plus the dungeon level, but I was informed by those with decision-making authority that that was just too many maps to include in a Side Trek. Razz I could probably scan them and email them to anyone interested, though.

    Additionally, I am lost as to your meaning here: "Now a little too much hecate for my taste..."

    Quote:

    As far as submissions for Oerth Journal in General send an email to oerthjournal@gmail.com with your submission idea and a brief description. One of are Xvart's or Gnome's will get back to you.

    Don't worry each submission to the OJ is critiqued and feedback is given to each author. Sir Xaris follow the link for more info http://oerthjournal.blogspot.com/

    Look forward to seeing you Evil Grin


    I did that back in early April and never received a reply. Well, I sent a proposal as indicated in your thread in the General forum. I'll send another copy today. Smile

    SirXaris
    Master Greytalker

    Joined: Apr 13, 2006
    Posts: 654
    From: Frinton on Sea England

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    Wed May 25, 2011 9:55 am  

    I thought I'd better say something as you were kind enough to comment on my recent two submissions. Smile

    I don't know how helpful this will be, though.

    I thought that it was well written and the text side of things was entertaining, informative and provided useful background on the area. The weaving of new characters with established ones worked well.

    The stats were of limited use to me because I no longer use D&D as a system so it's difficult to be critical. They were well laid out and functional, however, if a little over-powered for my taste even if I was using D&D.

    I will have a look at incorporating Sanctigaard into my campaign as it's an interesting locale.

    Good work, Sir Xaris.
    GreySage

    Joined: Jul 26, 2010
    Posts: 2530
    From: LG Dyvers

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    Wed May 25, 2011 4:45 pm  

    Thank you, Ragr, for all your comments. They are much appreciated. Smile

    Ragr wrote:
    The stats were of limited use to me because I no longer use D&D as a system so it's difficult to be critical. They were well laid out and functional, however, if a little over-powered for my taste even if I was using D&D.


    I was certain someone would comment on this sooner or later. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to explain. Happy

    You see, I played Sir Xaris as a character all through Jr. High and High School and even into college - from 1983 until about 1989. It was all using the rules for AD&D. When I went to convert him to 2nd Edition, I found that if I left his experience points the same, he'd be over 20th level. I wasn't sure how to deal with that, so I just never did it. Now, I'm using 3.5 Edition when I DM and checked to see what level Sir Xaris would be if I converted him straight over with the same number of experience points he accumulated as an AD&D character. I discovered that he would be nearly 30th level!

    Well, I had never played him at those levels and didn't want him to be such an epic level without having played those levels, so I chose to leave his level alone and simply drop the extra experience points. After all, if he was an Epic-level character, he would be defending a beachhead of Eladrins in the Nine Hells, not governing a small demesne on the Prime Material. Shocked

    Never-the-less, Sir Xaris had earned the magical items that he possessed through an endless dedication to the destruction of evil through personal sacrifice, so I didn't feel it was fair to take away any of it. The only changes I made to his equipment were to convert it from AD&D intelligent items with special powers to more mundane (non-intelligent) equipment with similar, if not equal, abilities.

    So, if he's a bit over-powered for your, or anyone else's, campaign, I understand. However, he is the highest level character I ever played and the one I played the most extensively and, in my opinion, deserves to keep everything he's earned. Cool

    SirXaris
    Grandmaster Greytalker

    Joined: Jul 10, 2003
    Posts: 1234
    From: New Jersey

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    Wed May 25, 2011 8:34 pm  

    I did not see the map when I read your article so that helps a bit.

    As far as too much Hecate same thing Ragr said only shorter. It was my way of saying too over powered or too much magic for my taste. Besides you don't have to justify why you made it so. Your preference on what you represent is up to you.
    Master Greytalker

    Joined: Apr 13, 2006
    Posts: 654
    From: Frinton on Sea England

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    Thu May 26, 2011 10:15 am  

    Totally get how he got where he did, SirXaris, and you're right not to strip him of his hard earned gains.

    The important thing is that I can easily convert the article's stats over to the BRP system, strip away the more generic magic items (belt of giant strength), keep the individualised ones and use the location and characters IMC. Cool
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