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    Humanoid Cuisine
    Posted on Tue, September 21, 2004 by Farcluun
    Muscles writes "So what's so evil about the humanoid races of Greyhawk? Well, you are what you eat.

    Humanoid cuisine
    By: Muscles
    Used with Permission. Do not repost without obtaining prior permission from the author.

    Humanoid Cuisine

    Throughout history the higher races have known not to eat the unclean food of the orcs, goblins, hobgoblins, and their allies. The reason why the lower races resorted to fouling their own food is a matter of speculation, but Norman the bearded-sage of goblinoids at Grey College postulates that it can be traced to the age of the Fang and Claw wars in the prehistory of Oerth. He reasons that battlechiefs of the goblinoids realized that the fangless races would capture outposts and advance quicker by resupplying themselves on captured fodder. While always being cannibals in part, they had heretofore not consciously decided to take this tactical step. Ages later, their wicked food making practices are as entrenched in their culture as nuanced debating is in ours.

    Though the various lower races have regional and racial differences, the following examples will fill the reader with enough gist to statiate themselves on the subject matter.

    The waterbarrel, aka- The spittank: Often a simple barrel or cured standing skin, a drinking bowl (invariably the skullcap of a sweetrace) floats on top. The common tradition is to drink then choke up something squeezy back into the tank, being first to the tank has its rewards. The loogeys eventually dissolve or settle to the bottom (where thirsty characters may not notice). note: when goblins are part of a mixed tribe, they often supplement their meager rations at the spittank.

    Dried mystery meat: Runs the gamut from sweetraces to traditional livestock. Sausages are most often cased in sweertrace entrails, and a rare delicacy of the leaders is unquestionably dwelf sausage. Even traditionally recognizable dried or smoked or salted cuts of livestock will have been slathered on, or smoked over a funeral pyre, or urinated on, or salted with other unclean meats.

    Cheeses: Cured in skulls or other wicked containers, goblinoid cheeses may or may not apppear to be wholesome. Don't be fooled! Most often at least a splash of blood is added to the mix, and a suprise eyeball in the center is a treat for all. The most evil of cheeses will be those cured from sweetrace mothers milk. It goes without saying the rarity of this delicacy and strength of the opponents that eat it.

    Other Meat: In a humanoids larder will be recent kills, bled and evicerated and hung on hooks to season. While most prisoners aren't immediately subject to this fate, characters friends and henchmen fallen in a raid will likely wind up here. Most tribes prefer cooked meat, so the spit and the pot have cooked gruesome meals. Babies taken on raids will often be given to the priests for sacrifices aka-priest picnics. The dead in the tribe will be treated like any other meat, but with less triumphant gluttony. High level priests will raise undead from the half gnawed corpses of their comrades, and sometimes for shock value will raise undead babies. These are evil races indeed. Note: Humanoids will eat anything they kill; spiders, roaches, snakes, anything.

    Breads: Not often thought of by the higher races as fang fare, never the less the value in war for transportable foodstuffs has made goblinkind warp even the staff of life. Wild grains and nuts are gathered by subject races (mostly their females). The cooks add bitter herbs and blood and pour black unleavened batter into skulls and thrown into the fire where ashes are cooked into it. The heavy and nutritious dry bitter black bread (often called elfsh*t) is given to warchiefs to dispense to raiders and slavers. If a powerfull cheif or priest takes a liking to it they will eat it with bloodbutter.

    Drinks: Stout earthy bloodmixed beers drank from the obligatory skull is the mainstay of all goblinkind. Spirits too, will be mixed with blood or sometimes urine ( beaten prisoner urine is the best). Some tribes make a bloody curdled kumiss from prisoner mothers milk, but this is a rarity.

    Adventurers who slay a raiding party will find many abhorrent foods in their enemy's packs; spiderpaste, finger food(yes fingers to gnosh on),pickled eyeballs, dried rats, skins of bloodwater etc.. These discoveries will reinforce the moral correctness of eradicating such horrific carnisuers.

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    Re: Humanoid cuisine (Score: 1)
    by Tedra ( on Tue, September 21, 2004
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    Very fun article, Muscles. We've always had a good time with describing what type of nasties are in humanoid's lairs. Early on in our current campaign our PC's were nil on food supplies and had a horrifying discovery in a gnoll lair where my fighter sampled the 'mystery meat.' He has since had a severe phobia about any kind of meat if he is not 100% sure of what it is and where it came from. ;) We will probably be using this article as a reference quite often.

    Re: Humanoid cuisine (Score: 1)
    by Abysslin ( on Tue, September 21, 2004
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    Congratz on your 1st Canonfire submission, Muscles!

    Re: Humanoid cuisine (Score: 1)
    by Argon on Tue, September 21, 2004
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    This article wasn't bad at all for a first attempt, of course what ever you do don't pay attention to the rating. The overall feel and depth of the article was made. But it appears that you were trying to hard to make your point about how evil the goblinoids are.

    In any case I thought your article was closer to a 2.5 but I gave you a 3 because it is much better than the one that was currently showing.

    I am looking forward to your next article because I believe you will improve upon your first effort.

    Re: Humanoid cuisine (Score: 1)
    by GVDammerung on Wed, September 22, 2004
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    Hi Muscles,

    I have been debating how to comment on this article submission. Most comments tend to be affirming. I hope to be so too but I also want to offer some suggestions.

    I have been very impressed with your posts to the folders. I think your posts have been articulate and well thought out. I have also enjoyed chatting with you on Thursdays where I think you have more that is relevant to say to Greyhawk than many who have been around longer and now want to just BS and little else.

    I think that this article doesn't reflect the "other" you from the forums and chats very well. Specifically, I think you need to spellcheck your submission. Most word processing software comes with a spellchecker and it is just a click of a button. Most spellcheckers will also flag suspicious grammer for your review as they check spelling. A final proofreading will also help as you have a last chance before submission to consider how you are presenting your thoughts.

    Reading the article, I know what you mean but the misspellings and grammatical hitches detract from your presentation. I know you will improve with just a little bit more effort. Please keep going. If I had to list my favorite posts by authors to read, yours would be right among the top of the list. I would look forward to reading more articles from you as well.

    With respect to topics, I have to confess that humanoids fouling their food and water would not be my first choice. But I'll give you this, your descriptions are more vivid than some of the bland Slayer's Guides I've seen from Mongoose Publishing that address various humanoid races.

    Your point is made with respect to humanoids. I look forward to reading your next article.

    Hopefully helpfully,


    PS - No offense intended. :)

    Re: Humanoid cuisine (Score: 1)
    by Kirt on Sat, September 25, 2004
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    I'm not sure how to take this it supposed to be serious or funny? Or both? It starts with the assertion that gobliniod races practice cannibalism in order to give themselves a competitive edge. Fair enough. Then it mentions numerous foods that are urinated in. What is the point of that? It seems like it is just to say how bad humanoids are, so it seems comic. What are you trying to go for here?

    Re: Humanoid cuisine (Score: 1)
    by chatdemon ( on Thu, October 07, 2004
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    A little disturbing and slightly disgusting, but amusing to read nonetheless. I'm just glad I hadn't eaten recently!

    Re: Humanoid Cuisine (Score: 1)
    by Cymraegmorgan on Wed, November 24, 2004
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    That is a laugh riot, as well as being really, really gross.

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